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Feeling Numb While Floating in Limbo

I want to sink into oblivion I want to hide so well I disappear Unfindable Untouchable In so many ways I already feel like a ghost Wouldn’t it be easier for everyone If they didn’t have to worry about accommodating me My messes My drama And my never ceasing crisis commentary  I’m spiraling I can feel it I know everyone can see it They’re all asking how to help me I don’t want to take the assistance I don’t want to feel their pity I don’t want the martyrdom (Even if it fits me perfectly) I don’t want to feel their eyes on me Anticipating my next move I don’t want to hear the chants from their Coliseum seats Screaming out what I already know to be true Tearing me apart  I want to behave recklessly I want to do something truly life shattering So wildly out of character That people question if they ever knew me The way that I question if I even know me Is this crisis? Is this grief? Is this depression? Is this mania? No one knows because I keep on smiling I keep on playacting I ke...
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Place

It's not my place anymore But it was once To speak about you Of your place in my life Of your importance It feels wrong to look back now To think of fondness After a year if distance I've been angry And disinterested That's the truth But time can heal things I figured that it would I wasn't sure we'd ever be close again But I made connections because of you My life is changed because of you I can't deny that I never tried to I heard that you avoided places Trying to avoid me It's ironic because I avoided places Trying to avoid you How much time we wasted When we could have just been speaking It doesn't matter now though I heard through the grapevine Of the connections I made through you And the web of social media That you've passed on And I don't know what I'm allowed to say I started by not saying anything Then a few vague posts here and there You know how I love to Vaguebook But if I know anything about you  It's that you hate sad memo...
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Robot

Y ou challenge me  As as you chide my inner child  As you expose my empathy  Teach me tolerance Perfect my patience  While I insist this heart inside my chest is made of steel, cold forged in Rage  You persist that I am in fact made of skin and blood of warmth and love  How can I not open myself up to you?  You make it so easy  I want to give you everything in the universe has to offer  Allow me to lasso the moon for you
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Pseudo Stepmom

I'm not a parent And I know that means that I'm not allowed to have an opinion But I've been around kids And I've been a kid And how is this the second time Someone I've asked to walk out of my life Has come back to collect "all their belongings" Yet the things that they'll come back for The things they'll make a second trip for Is the kids' things I get that the goal is always to do it all at once And I get it that sometimes it's not that simple And I know I'm not a parent So I'm not allowed to have an opinion But if it were me I feel like I would take care of the kids stuff first And it seems like if I was the kid And I recognized that my parents took their time reclaiming the things that belonged to me I think I'd feel some type of way about that It's just so funny this has happened twice now I shouldn't even be surprised People keep finding ways to not surprise me Maybe it's manipulation Maybe they...
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April

For as long as I can remember April has always been my favorite month Partly because it's the Beginning of Spring And something poetic About rain showers and flower blooms I even said if I got married I'd pick the rainiest day of the year  Which would likely be in April But ever since our falling out Now my favorite month  Just reminds me of what I've lost April fills me with regret Of what I could have done Could have said I could've done better If you're wondering if I still think of you I promise that I do Every year  When the weather begins to turn When the clouds are at their heaviest When the dandelions bloom
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It Happened To Me [Narcissistic Abuse]

It happened to me. The girl who, arguably, has extensive experience dealing with the bullshit games that men play.  The girl who has experience with men with ages ranging from 14 to 47. If the person you’re with is a game player, a bullshitter, a manipulator, a liar – they all play the same games. It happened to me; the girl who allowed a 14 year old boy to convince her that she was only valuable if men wanted to fuck her.  The girl who was dumped because she stood up for herself, and then went through high school thinking, “What if I had just given in to him … we could be happy.”  It took this girl almost a decade to finally unlearn that principal.  It took years to discover that she was, in fact, valuable for more than her willingness to put out.  The girl who, 4 years post-graduation had to explain to this boy that she would never marry him, or take him seriously, and encouraged him to ask out the girl he is now married to and has a family with. It happen...
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What's Your Toxic Trait?

Let's play a game It's called "What is your toxic trait"? Mine is that I love too hard too quickly I don't know how to take my time with it To savor the flavor, let it marinate My toxic trait is that your family will love me I make a damn good first impression They might even start asking me about you We'll coordinate the holidays, monitor your schedule, plan your future My toxic trait is that my love language is acts of service Cooking meals Cleaning the house Helping the kids Buying you gifts Trying to improve your life My toxic trait is if marriage matters to you We'll have to go through couples therapy Because I already treat relationships like a marriage So. I don't put much value in the legality or ceremony My toxic trait is I want you to remember me forever I want to leave an imprint on your life that you can't remove I want to be the one you talk about with friends long after it's over My toxic trait is I'll choose your ha...
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