Recalling Pineapples

It happened to me. The girl who, arguably, has extensive experience dealing with the bullshit games that men play.  The girl who has experience with men with ages ranging from 14 to 47. If the person you’re with is a game player, a bullshitter, a manipulator, a liar – they all play the same games. It happened to me; the girl who allowed a 14 year old boy to convince her that she was only valuable if men wanted to fuck her.  The girl who was dumped because she stood up for herself, and then went through high school thinking, “What if I had just given in to him … we could be happy.”  It took this girl almost a decade to finally unlearn that principal.  It took years to discover that she was, in fact, valuable for more than her willingness to put out.  The girl who, 4 years post-graduation had to explain to this boy that she would never marry him, or take him seriously, and encouraged him to ask out the girl he is now married to and has a family with. It happen...

Let's play a game It's called "What is your toxic trait"? Mine is that I love too hard too quickly I don't know how to take my time with it To savor the flavor, let it marinate My toxic trait is that your family will love me I make a damn good first impression They might even start asking me about you We'll coordinate the holidays, monitor your schedule, plan your future My toxic trait is that my love language is acts of service Cooking meals Cleaning the house Helping the kids Buying you gifts Trying to improve your life My toxic trait is if marriage matters to you We'll have to go through couples therapy Because I already treat relationships like a marriage So. I don't put much value in the legality or ceremony My toxic trait is I want you to remember me forever I want to leave an imprint on your life that you can't remove I want to be the one you talk about with friends long after it's over My toxic trait is I'll choose your ha...

I’ve been here before I recognize the trees They’ve grown a bit Since I last stood at these crossroads But the knots on the trunks remain the same I understand the difficulty Of choosing between something familiar And something new and promising The last time I was here It was me who had to make that decision Sobbing into my steering wheel As he apologized for all the wrongs As I drove back to a home that wasn’t mine The ripping in my chest was deafening The tugging in my stomach was nauseating But after years of missed connections All of the disappearing and reappearing I felt like the choice was simple I would have to be a fool to choose What always seemed just out of reach Ironically it worked out really well for him He went on to find someone and marry them I went on to tread water in an ocean I didn't ask to see That was an entire lifetime ago Back when we met for the first time When you busy making mistakes And I was busy feeling sorry for myself So many y...

I don’t know anything And I’ve never claimed to But I’ve been trying to make words out of my emotions Since I was a child Listening to Top 40 Trying to write suspense novels Laying on my sister’s bed Reading through her high school journal Wondering if that would somehow help Make sense of what was going on inside me It never helped though Since I was a teenager Listening to alternative Sitting alone in front of a computer screen Writing my suicide note on Xanga Hoping someone would see it They did – I got lucky So I kept writing Hoping someone would see it Hopefully someone can see through it Can make sense of my nonsense Find beauty in my messy metaphors Find humor in my rough rhymes Trying my best to use pen and paper To clear the fog out of my mind Thinking that maybe if I wrote enough If I wrote the words “I love you” If I wrote the definition of love and all its forms Maybe I could make sense of it But I know now there is no sense in love And I don’t know anything I’ve neve...

The issue isn’t that I don’t know what I want The issue is that I know what I want so intensely It tastes like copper on my tongue It smells like a home cooked meal fresh from the oven It sounds like the wind rustling the leaves on trees in my backyard It feels like the comfort that can be shared within a family It looks like a full and happy home The issue isn’t that I don’t know what I want The issue is I keep taking the wrong paths to get there I keep asking the wrong people to help me build it The issue is that what I want requires a team effort And I was raised with quite a work ethic The issue isn’t that I’m too insecure to ask for it The issue is that I’m too insecure to stand up for myself I don’t like walking away from things I don’t like feeling like a failure I don’t like looking like a liar I don’t like being considered a quitter I stick around until it hurts Until I’m convinced my life will never truly start Certain my dreams will never come true When it’s the darkest Th...

  Question 51/424:  What do you procrastinate? Whenever I find myself procrastinating, I always think of a line from the highly underrated film Haiku Tunnel : “Settle down. Focus. And catch up.” That being said, I am certainly guilty of procrastinating from time to time. I mostly procrastinate when it comes to making big decisions that will drastically alter my life. The best example of this I can give is that I’ve been intending to return to school since I was 24. A big reason I dropped going to college was because I wasn’t eligible for any type of aid due to my parents’ income and assets. I figured I would just wait until I could fill out my own FAFSA without their information and then college would be more feasible. I did apply to college, and even got to the point where I needed to take placement tests, but I just procrastinated until my application expired. I’ve done this three times, where I got to the point in the process where I had to physically go to the campus – n...

She says this is the most sincerest form of love she's ever known And yet still refuses to let it grow It's stupidity or it's selfishness But I still can't seem to let her go I'm the one with whom she's confided every secret Watched her face every mistake she's stubbornly made She inspires me but refuses to embrace it Continues searching for something else in dark places I told her one day, when our situations are simpler I'm going to come get her She laughs as if she thinks I'm kidding She has no idea what she's missing I don't know what it would take For her to see me the way that I see her To accept what all she has to offer And stop settling for anything lesser One say she'll realize what it's always been about The comfort and the calm The honesty, intimacy, and vulnerability We've never withheld Until then I'll love her from the sidelines In the periphery, just out of sight But one day when everything is exactly...

(Disclaimer - this is so weird and random cuz like...it’s a car >_> but I’ll take my inspiration were I can lol) 2013 was a weird year for me. I had been in my 3rd and most severe car accident in three years, I had a huge falling out with a close friend, and I left my first adult relationship that had lasted three years. I was 20 years old and I felt very unsure of every decision I had made up to that point and would inevitably make in the future - and to be perfectly honest I was afraid to drive. At the time I was driving a pretty run down 2-door Chevy Cavalier and I hated it. I felt cramped and too small on the road to be noticed which made me feel like at any moment I could be in another catastrophic car accident. Car shopping was hectic, I was getting a lot of help from my mom, but with me working a 9-5 us being able to go look at cars at the same time was difficult. After a few months, a friend of mine noticed a PT Cruiser not far from my apartment. This was a car few pe...

4/20/2018 -  After work, a friend I’m getting closer every day with (by bonding over our toxic relationships with our mothers) came to visit from out of state.  We met, went out to dinner, and I stayed out from 5:30 pm to 9:00 pm (sorry to our waitress) Then after getting home, I played on my Playstation4 until about 11 pm when my ex who recently found some of my childhood books that apparently have been in the trunk of his car for the last year and a half since we broke up.  I drove over to his house, not knowing just how large the box was.  After retrieving my beloved Animorphs books, we talked.  We talked about everything, good and bad, our lives now, our lives before when we were together, and it was midnight.  He asked if I just wanted to go get coffee, he’d drive, he’d pay (I didn’t bring my purse he literally lives 20 feet from my apartment).  We went to get coffee, it was casual, it was safe, but I knew it was inappropriate.  I couldn’t ...

It’s funny - when you ask young, happy, beautiful people, “How do you know you love them? How do you know it’s going to work out?” Usually, they just say, “When you know, you know.” And people accept it with a smile because, “Isn’t it sweet?” But when people ask me why I loved him - and believe me they asked A Lot - that simple and sweet answer never cut it. I understand how it looked from the outside. I think that’s why I find the “How” question easier to answer. I loved him because he was there during a time when I felt very alone and unheard, and he only wanted to listen. In a lot of ways, I think we were an escape for one another. I took him - for a few moments each day - to a simpler place away from the daily stresses of adulthood. In turn, he gave me a glimpse into the life I was longing for and gave me hope that all the shit I was going through would pass. I loved him because he made me feel seen and valued, because Lord knows he had better things to do with his time than ...

Question 49/424:  What gives you joy? The best answer to this question is my people. I know that probably sounds codependent or basic but it’s honest. I have such a wonderful group of friends that I consider to be my true friends and have been with me for so long. Even my newest friends (the shortest friendship being 1 year) are so fully integrated into my circle and I have been so transparent with them that I feel such an undeniable connection to them. I am also an extrovert, so generally speaking I am always happier in social situations than I am when I am alone. The fact that I have a group of people that I can reach out to at any given moment and for a variety of different experiences is such a blessing. I think that’s why it’s so important to me to maintain those friendship and to be a good friend myself, because I can’t imagine my life without these people around me and helping me through all the craziness of this life. On a more surface level, another thing that brings m...

I want to sink into oblivion I want to hide so well I disappear Unfindable Untouchable In so many ways I already feel like a ghost Wouldn’t it be easier for everyone If they didn’t have to worry about accommodating me My messes My drama And my never ceasing crisis commentary I’m spiraling I can feel it I know everyone can see it They’re all asking how to help me I don’t want to take the assistance I don’t want to feel their pity I don’t want the martyrdom (Even if it fits me perfectly) I don’t want to feel their eyes on me Anticipating my next move I don’t want to hear the chants from their Coliseum seats Screaming out what I already know to be true Tearing me apart   I just want to breathe I want to behave recklessly I want to do something truly life shattering So wildly out of character That people question if they ever knew me The way that I question if I even know me Is this crisis? Is this grief? Is this depressio...

Even as we're existing in this moment When you gently kiss my forehead Then settle in with a smile lingering on your lips As our breathing finds a rhythm I know that this is how I'll remember you For the rest of my life Your soft face Your clear skin Your bright eyes Your full smile Your soft breathing Your hand resting on the curve of my waist When the years have passed us by And all that's left is faded memories Despite what time has done to us Regardless of where life has led us I will return to this place in my reverie Lying in your arms Watching your eyes flutter closed Feeling your breathing slow As you fall into a light slumber While my fingers comb their way through hair I revel in this moment of escape Isolating ourselves from the world It's always a short lived respite But something I cherish And crave anytime I have to go without I'll keep this memory Tucked in a corner for safe keeping For use in ...

Question 47/424:  What was the most difficult time in your life? What did it teach you? There are two very specific instances that always come to my mind when I’m asked about difficult times. One example is the first year after high school, the second is when I broke up with my first adult boyfriend when I was almost 21. I graduated high school in May and by that point already had plans to go to college the following September, two months before I turned 18. My open house to celebrate graduation was held in July and by August 1st my dad had gone missing and a community search found his body. When college was set to start in September, I was more than a little overwhelmed. My entire world had been flipped upside down at home, and now I was trying to figure out how to balance being an adult seeking independence, while also trying to help my mother as much as I could because she wasn’t planning on living alone in my childhood home and there was a lot that had to be taken care of. ...