Recalling Pineapples

You are an animal And I don’t know if mean that as a compliment You have an instinct for knowing When someone’s guard is down Seeking refuge in the quiet spaces Soft hands, claws retracted Wandering slowly but not aimlessly Exploring the landscape Seeking out the weakest points Your actions are swift and decisive You know precisely what you want And you take it It feels primal How you push and pull Manipulate my body as you choose Knowing I am enraptured by you Without the capacity to refuse You must take pride in feeling so powerful Your skills are natural yet refined It’s no secret you’ve been here before And after all of this time How can I not crave you?

There’s a [not so] small part of me That’s always thought that Someone that looks like you Being interested in Someone that looks like me Was always just a joke Even after all this time I keep waiting for the punchline Keeping an eye out for the pig’s blood Wondering when you’ll humiliate me And what you’ll get out of it Can the long game really be that fun? You said that you knew what was going on That this was expected Am I really that transparent? I didn’t have secret plan I just wanted to see you Isn’t that enough? It never is Am I really that simple? Is this revenge? Is this conquest?

  Question 45/424:  Which movie characters inspired you? I feel like to answer this question I first have to state my top three favorite movies that I always give everyone:   Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Closer, and Candy. Of course there are others but those three have been my top since high school and I feel like they’re important to understanding my answer to this question. Clementine in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind was an inspiration for a long time. I wanted nothing more than to be as artsy and honest and raw as she was in that movie and to be the “manic pixie dream girl” fantasy. When I recently watched that movie again as an adult, I view Clementine differently. I actually think she might be the perfect movie depiction of a person with borderline personality disorder, and I don’t know if I still view her as an inspiration as much anymore. But I do think there’s something powerful in the willingness to be authentically yourself – warts and all...

I am drawn to you But does that mean I desire you? Or is it just exciting to meet someone new? You invigorate me Is it because our energies match? Or do you just remind me of a mistake from my past?   I want to know you The undiluted version I want to see who you are The most authentic version Away from the bustle and the expectations Away from the strangers and the friendships   Maybe if I heard you fully I could make sense of this static That overtakes my senses when I think of you Maybe if I knew you thoroughly I could untangle all of these emotions That threaten to escape me   I want to write beautiful metaphors Express how I’m feeling under the guise of Rainstorms ending with the sun splitting the clouds apart Symphonies slowly crescendoing to a swell that reverberates through my body A tidal wave cooling the fire in my brain and bringing me peace   Is this because of you? Is this in spite of you? Does th...

I imagine small moments with you Lingering touches no one else notices Sly glances no one else sees Inside jokes no one else interprets Imagine me standing just a little too close to you But you don’t move away so I stay still Imagine our hands colliding And hesitating before letting go Imagine legs pressed against one another Under the guise of not enough room Imagine shared song lyrics as secret notes Moments between us no one else knows Imagine each of us hoping for a message Searching for reasons to reach out Imagine you craving the contact Me smiling at the thought of your satisfaction Imagine the timbre of your voice buzzing through me Me enraptured by the rhythm of your words Imagine your light being the only thing I can see To pull me out of this darkness I’ve been coasting in Imagine you knowing exactly what I mean, how I feel You giving me the courage the grow and the strength to do what I must Imagine these tiny flickers of affecti...

  Question 43/424:  You have one month to travel anywhere, all expenses paid.   Where will you go, what will you do? Travel is one of those things that I aspire to do and dream of doing but ultimately know very little about and therefore the process of planning trips longer than a weekend stresses me out.   So, while I may be able to answer where I would go easy enough I don’t really know what I would do once I got to those places. The first place I think of is Europe, mostly because I know that once you get there, there is so much convenient public transportation that you can visit multiple countries by train and experience everything the continent has to offer.   It would be very powerful to visit the Memorial and Museum of Auschwitz, it would be beautiful to see the Eiffel Tower in Paris, to see the Tower of London.   I would love to see Italy and Greece and Spain.   I even offered to tagalong with a friend if she won tickets to the Taylor Swift...

Question 41/424:  Do you set goals?  If so, how?  Care to share a past or current goal? Goals are a touchy subject for me, which sounds ridiculous but it’s true.   When I was in high school I was very goal oriented and was rather intense when it came to doing whatever it took to accomplish those goals, including berating anyone around me who I deemed as slowing me down or standing in my way.   I’ve grown since then, and since graduating most of my goals have gone unreached. When I moved into my first apartment at nineteen, my only goal was having a place to live that was closer to my job so I took the first available apartment.   Once I had moved in, my next goal was to get into a different place where my dog could come and live with me.   I gave myself – and my then boyfriend – one year to get the money together to move into either another apartment that was “dog-friendly” or into a modular home so that we could have two bedrooms and my dog living...

Push Push Push I get it Universe I hear you My emotions have always been  Stronger than my reason Being loud has always been My least likeable attribute My exuberance has always been Exhausting To damp down my emotions When how I feel is like 1000 butterflies pushing their way out of the cocoon of my skin 1000 fireworks being set off simultaneously setting me ablaze Chains around me are finally starting to loosen and I Long for their inevitable release But those feelings are useless here In this place In this time In this tangled web I'm weaving I wish this was simpler  Like I could speak plainly And you could hear clearly And everything else would just disappear The universe is sending out flares in the form of Snow, Rain, Wind, and Ghosts Warning me: Don't push so hard Don't want so much Keeping me from shipwreck  I'm not afraid of a little wreckage I just don't want to drown in the process I don't want to lose you in the tide This is what I do Make something ...

Talk to me Talk to me You're the only one I want to see Listening Listening You're the only one I want to hear me Look at me Look at me I can't explain what I'm feeling I know it's complicated I hate that we didn't meet Under different circumstances But if you're wondering if you should I'm giving you permission Aren't feelings and emotions  So much more important than logic? You're so damn good at listening Just tell me what you need And I'll comply with your demands I promise I just want you to  Talk to me Look at me Notice me Believe me

 People act like leaving is easy Like the act of falling out of love with someone Is like a switch  Or somehow linear It's so much messier than all of that It's never that simple The movies will have you think Once the words have left your lips The person will leave And their stuff will disappear And time flashes forward That doesn't account for the stages That mimic those of grief Denial The finding ways to stay The sticking around The lingering Anger The accusations The cruelty The things you can't take back Bargaining The begging The doubt The balancing act Depression The emotions The concern of regret The loneliness  Acceptance The furthest step The hardest to reach The finale Even if it's amicable Or civil Or friendly It's never simple

You intrigue me You fascinate me I want you To tear apart my nightmares Analyze my psyche And truly See me You seem capable If not a little brutal Honest I respect it I want you to respect me Show me Teach me This mindfulness This patience This passion You practice And you preach There's not much I can do Or what I can do is quite huge Earth shattering Life changing Heart breaking Choices Causing ricocheting ripples But at what cost At what risk Would it make a difference Would you even notice Would you even realize That the motive was you?