Feeling Numb While Floating in Limbo

I want to sink into oblivion
I want to hide so well I disappear
Unfindable
Untouchable
In so many ways I already feel like a ghost
Wouldn’t it be easier for everyone
If they didn’t have to worry about accommodating me
My messes
My drama
And my never ceasing crisis commentary 

I’m spiraling
I can feel it
I know everyone can see it
They’re all asking how to help me
I don’t want to take the assistance
I don’t want to feel their pity
I don’t want the martyrdom
(Even if it fits me perfectly)
I don’t want to feel their eyes on me
Anticipating my next move
I don’t want to hear the chants from their Coliseum seats
Screaming out what I already know to be true
Tearing me apart 

I want to behave recklessly
I want to do something truly life shattering
So wildly out of character
That people question if they ever knew me
The way that I question if I even know me
Is this crisis?
Is this grief?
Is this depression?
Is this mania?
No one knows because I keep on smiling
I keep on playacting
I keep placating
Doing the same things I’ve always done

The routine is so engrained in me
I don’t know where the pattern ends
And my actual wants and needs begin
I don’t how to break free of this
My skin is itching under the constraints
My brain is burning through the factors
My heart is fluttering at the promise
Of a totally new life
Even if it has to be built out of the ashes
Of my negligently started forest fire
Start fresh
Or hide away
Until people get tired of searching
And reemerge brand new
Free from the chokehold of my current self

I see what the rest of you see
But I am no longer present in my own body
I’m watching someone who seems like me
Destroying everything I worked so hard to build
Laughing at the anguish that I feel
Refusing to let me speak or scream
So if I’m not really here anyhow
I might as well give in
Find my peace in oblivion
We’d all probably be better off

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