I Have Been In Debt Since I Was 16. [or, Don't Waste Your Time and Money on Dead End Relationships]

I have been in debt since I was 16.

My parents did a good job of teaching us kids the value of a dollar, how to budget, and how to balance a checkbook.  We were given Debt Sheets for purchases that our parents deemed unnecessary expenses, or at least expenses that they shouldn’t be held responsible for.  Examples would be video game systems, expensive school trips, our vehicles, our auto insurance, and our monthly gas usage.  I don’t blame them for this, it was in fact an important thing for us to learn.  Even the purchase of our first vehicles at 16 seemed fair, there were 3 kids who all turned 16 within 5 years of each other and it would be pretty unrealistic to expect our parents to fund those vehicles without reimbursement.

As I neared my 16th birthday, my parents noticed that my best friend's brother was trying to sell his 1992 Ford Escort Wagon because he had gotten a ticket for a loud muffler and didn't want to pay to repair it.  On my 16th birthday, I was given that car after my dad had fixed it up, and a $1,200.00 debt was added to my sheet.  At the time my only source of income was working for my parents on weekends for $5.00 an hour.  It seemed daunting to pay off that vehicle, but I would be graduating in a year and I was paying off my parents, after all, so no interest or garnishments to worry about.  I had that car up through my high school graduation in May 2010 at the age of 17.  Prior to graduation, the cost of a music department trip to New York City, which I believe was around $5-600.00, was also added to my debt sheet, in addition to however many 6-month policies of car insurance were also added during that time.

After graduation, I started working at Taco Bell in Lapeer and at a law office in Flint, while also planning to attend college in September and being dual-enrolled at Flint and Auburn Hills campuses.  All of this to say, my 1992 Ford with over  200,000 miles on it was not the safe, reliable vehicle my parents wanted me to drive every day.  So my dad went to work finding me something a little newer, a little less beat up, and ultimately a little more expensive.

Sometime between May and July, my dad found me a 1998 Ford Escort Wagon with closer to 120,000 miles on it for $2,600.00, and it was red.  I was happy to have the car, the debt was less exciting but I had two jobs and the means to pay it back much quicker than I had paid off my first car.  This car was expected to last me a while, certainly a few years, before any major repairs needed to be done on it, which would more than likely be completed by my dad anyhow for the cost of parts.

In July 2010, my dad passed away.  My plans of moving in with a roommate in Rochester Hills, finding a new job nearby, enrolling full time at the Auburn Hills Campus, and cutting down on gas expenses while still maintaining my independence vanished.  Everyone around me told me it was fine if I needed to drop classes, or quit one or both of my jobs, so I could focus on grieving.  I disagreed wholeheartedly.  I felt - especially at that point in my life - that cutting back on the things I had signed up for would only show weakness, or an inability to overcome challenges.  That seemed hypocritical to do since "being adaptable" was the theme of my admissions essay to the University of Michigan.  So after the funeral was over, and after having a friend cover a number of my shifts at Taco Bell, and the friend who got me the job at the law office agreed to stay on a little while longer, I went back to work.

For about a month or more, my life was simply work, school, and home.  My mom needed me at home, for the company, the support, and quite frankly she needed help.  At the time of my dad passing away, we had four dogs, a horse, a miniature donkey, many acres of yard to maintain, a welding business to get through probate, clean, organize, and liquidate, as well as four rental properties in various states of tenancy.  My dad’s passing was sudden and we were entirely unprepared for it.

At the law office, I worked with a close friend of mine.  Close enough that when my plans for Rochester Hills fell through, I seriously considered moving in with her in Mount Morris.  I knew I couldn’t move right away, and the idea of paying rent terrified me as I was still working off the $2,600.00 car, and other residual balances.  She knew I was depressed, stressed, and grieving but she insisted I had to get out and live my life.  I was four months out from my high school graduation and I was already living like a hardened 9-5er.  She dragged me to a theatrical sword group meet-up filled with strangers except for her and one other attendee.  I didn’t want to go, I figured I would feel out of place and also feel compelled to mock everyone around me.  I was wrong - not only were the people of this group warm and welcoming, I found something comforting about the fact that these people didn’t know me.  I was a stranger, they didn’t know my high school reputation, they didn’t know my dad had died, and they only knew two friends of mine.  This was a blank slate and I was ready to make the most of it.

This included meeting Aquarius [names disguised for obvious reasons].  I was being ghosted by my almost-roommate from Rochester Hills and Aquarius was also exiting a serious relationship, and we both agreed we could enjoy each other’s company without things needing to get “serious”.  I was 17 to his 28, but I was no stranger to an age gap.  We only saw each other one day a week in Swartz Creek for sword practice, I would offer to drive him home to Corunna afterwards and that was how our relationship bloomed.  Sometime in October he invited me inside, where he lived with his parents, his brother, his brother’s girlfriend, and his nephew.  Aquarius also had a daughter who was 10 months old at the time.  Because we weren’t “serious” I never expected to be a huge part of his daughter’s life.  We planned our dates around his visitation weekends, or I would only see him during the week.  [Spoiler alert – his daughter became a huge part of my life].

In December 2010, only a week or two before Aquarius’ daughter’s first birthday, I totaled my red 1996 Ford Escort.  I had class the night before which ran until 9:40, followed by the 40 minute drive back to my mom's house, and I had to be up by 7:00 am to get to work on time the next morning.  I was a block from the law office in Flint, I was exhausted and fell asleep at the wheel, and before I knew it the car I was still paying on was beyond repair.  I called my mom first, sobbing.  She was furious.  This was the last thing we needed.  All the vehicles were acting up, dad’s income was gone, probate was still holding up some things, and I had two jobs and a full time course load to manage.  My mom had been working with a colleague of my dad’s who, by some luck, was considering selling his 2005 Mazda Tribute.  Unfortunately, he loved this car, and really didn’t want to sell it, and certainly didn’t want to sell it for less than its value.  While he really wanted closer to $4,000.00 for it, he did finally decide to sell it to my mom, for my usage, for $3,200.00 - another red mark onto my debt sheet.

I drove that car for almost a year and a half.  During that time, I essentially moved into Aquarius’ parents’ house with him.  We shared a walk-in-pantry / laundry-room-turned-bedroom.  So half of the time I would live in Owosso, the other half I would live in Otter Lake, and I was still working at the law office in Flint, while attending college courses in Flint and in Auburn Hills.  All of this to say, I was going through gas money like crazy.  In 2011 I was spending at least $450.00 a month on gas just to get to my essentials. When my mom learned this, she was upset.  For one, it explained why my payments towards my debt sheet were slim and inconsistent, it also upset her that I was running this - already old and high mileage - car ragged, and all the while I was living in a situation she didn’t necessarily approve of.  Despite Owosso being technically closer to Flint than Otter Lake, my mom still felt like the gas expense, and the wear and tear on the used vehicle I was driving was ridiculous.  Not to mention the fact that Aquarius often asked me to drive us to and from his friends' houses for his Live-Action-Role-Playing game sessions, and I would oblige because my car was newer and had fewer miles on it than his so it only seemed fair.  Besides, if we brought his daughter with us, it was way easier to get the car seat into my SUV versus his sedan.

My mom and I formulated a budget and a savings plan and I moved into my first apartment in November 2011.  Around the same time, my mom decided she really wanted the Mazda back and so she agreed to take some of the purchase price off my debt sheet and she and I would look into a different vehicle for me.  That was when I got my 1997 Pontiac Sunfire – another $3,200.00 red mark onto my debt sheet.  My gas expense went down significantly as I was now living fifteen miles from my job and I opted out of applying for my second year of college.  Rent and utilities were of course a new expense, but at the time my rent was $400.00 so my budget balanced itself out more or less.  Unfortunately, not long after moving into the apartment, Aquarius lost his job.  Additionally, I had been encouraging him to push for more visitation time with his daughter so we were getting her more often than every other weekend.  This meant that my income, a whole $10 an hour working 40 or less hours per week, was the only source of income for a household of 2 adults and 1 part-time child.  When we moved in together, I started a debt sheet for Aquarius, too.  I’m not going to say it was a welcomed thing, in fact it may have been one of the largest sources of contempt in our relationship.  Nevertheless, I would keep track of his expected 50% contribution on this debt sheet and he would pay what he could, when he could. 

In February 2012, I totaled another car.  This time it wasn’t entirely my fault, while driving to Owosso to pick up Aquarius and his daughter, because Aquarius’ car had broken down, I hit a patch of black ice under an overpass.  I managed to serpentine my car three times before being t-boned by an off-duty police officer and having my car slam into the cement median on I-69.  My car was hit hard enough that it almost bent in half – had the other vehicle not hit me right at the center support it in fact would have bent in half.  The wind was knocked out of me, my seatbelt buckle was broken and inoperable, the dust from the airbags filled the car, I was seeing stars, I couldn’t catch my breath, I couldn’t scream, and I just watched as the other driver assessed the damage on his car.  He eventually realized I wasn’t getting out cam to assist.  He ultimately had to cut me out and I had to climb across the passenger side of my car to exit.  As soon as I was out of the car, the pain started.  The seat had busted and bent upwards in the middle so it had stabbed into my lower back / tailbone area and I was feeling the result of that pressure, my ribs were killing me, I was still seeing stars, and my chest hurt.  The other driver told me we needed to run across the three lanes of freeway traffic to get up onto a hill separating the east bound traffic from the off ramp because he had a bad feeling.  We no sooner crossed the freeway and got onto the hill – my back, ribs, and head searing in pain the whole way – that a small pick up truck lost control, veered hard to the left and hit my already totaled car.

The pick up truck driver joined us on the top of the hilly median.  The off-duty police officer called 911 and an ambulance.  I called my mom, sobbing.  Then I called Aquarius and told him I wouldn’t be able to pick him up.  My mom, and Aquarius’ mom offered to meet me at the scene of the accident.  I begged them not to because I was worried this icy patch was a death trap to anyone who dared cross it.  Nevertheless they both showed up, my mom asked me for my credit card to pay for the tow.  I explained to her that I didn’t have a credit card, or the money on my debit card to pay for it, so she ultimately had to pay for the 30 mile tow – another $300.00 red mark on my debt sheet.  The ambulance driver asked where my baby was.  My mind was a fog and I thought I had misheard her.  She asked again where my baby was, and said they saw the car seat but no baby.  I explained that she wasn't with me, and as I began explaining she also wasn't my baby, the ambulance driver began insisting I had to ride in the ambulance, strapped to a gurney, to the hospital.  I told them I had a ride - two in fact - but they insisted.  Then the off-duty cop insisted.  I was put into an ambulance, forced to lay in a way that killed my back and ribs, and I was driven to the hospital ten miles away.  My mom and Aquarius’ mom met me there.  The hospital did chest x-rays, saw no damage, and felt there was no further need for me to stay.  My mom drove me home, expressing her frustration, asking me if I was speeding, or being reckless, or why I was even out on the roads on a Sunday in the first place.

For a month or two, Aquarius and I became a one-car-household.  It’s something many people have to accept and it’s something I hope to never have to experience again.  The one main positive of only having one vehicle, as well as Aquarius being unemployed, was that he could drive me to work, which was a life-saver seeing as my anxiety about driving in the winter was damn near unmanageable.  My mom was trying to find me another car, unfortunately February is not peak car buying season, especially for someone who doesn’t prefer to buy from a lot.  Ultimately, a used car lot is where she found my 1999 Pontiac Grand Prix – another $2,500.00 red mark onto my debt sheet.

At that time my mom told me I needed to get a credit card for emergencies – like towing my car from a horrible accident.  I tried to apply for one at Chase, as I had been a customer there since I was 16, but they denied me.  I then went to Dort Financial Credit Union and managed to get a $500.00 credit card.  It wasn’t much, but it would’ve covered the cost of the tow and then some.  It was the beginning of a slippery slope, as credit cards often are for people.  I thought I knew better, though.  I had been taught well, I worked in a bankruptcy office, and I had managed to not need one up until that point.  Then came the ambulance bill for $900.00 and the hospital bill for $550.00, neither of which really wanted to accept payment plans.

A lot of unfortunate events happened between February 2012 and July 2013.  I was still making $10 an hour, Aquarius was getting and losing jobs left and right, and his daughter was with us every other week consistently.  The Grand Prix had lots of issues, including a wire harness that - as my mechanic explained it to me - had every single wire in it spliced at least 5 times.  This resulted in starting issues, gear shifting issues, and stalling issues.  At one point, I took it into Midas because when I went to check the oil, the dipstick came out milky white.  (For those of you who don’t know, that means there is a severe leak in your head gasket and coolant is leaking into your oil reservoir which is – in a nutshell Not Good.)  I sobbed as the mechanic at Midas told me it would be a $2,500.00 repair and that he couldn’t let me drive the car home as it was a hazard.  He suggested I apply for the Car Care Credit card that offered financing for car repairs done at specific mechanic shops.  While I don’t recommend Midas necessarily, I will say this card, despite being a credit card, was a life saver.  I managed to be approved for the exact price of the repair, and I maxed out the credit card in order to drive home. 

Not long after that blow to the pocketbook, Aquarius’ car’s transmission went out.  The vehicle wouldn’t accelerate beyond 35mph which isn’t great when most of your commute is via the freeway.  Back to Midas we went, with a sob story and an anxiety attack to boot.  They said if we could find a junkyard transmission they would put it in for $500.00 as long as we signed paperwork that we wouldn’t sue if the transmission wouldn’t work.  Aquarius was still out of a job at this time, so the $1,500.00 it cost to acquire a used transmission and get it installed came out of my wallet.  It was important to me that we each have a car, how else could Aquarius consistently show up to a job?  Then with all of these car expenses weighing on me, it became difficult to budget for anything else, so I applied for a Meijer Store Credit Card and got approved for $900.00.  That became the main way I was able to get groceries for our little family.  I didn’t love having credit card debt, I didn’t love feeling like I was one more bad thing from having to file bankruptcy at 20.  But at the same time, I felt like I was doing the best I could.  I made sure the rent was paid so the water ran, the heat was on, and the fridge was full – pretty much all that mattered to the CPS agents that came to see if our place was suitable for Aquarius’ child should anything happen on the mother’s end.  In May, a friend found me “the perfect car”.  I wasn’t necessarily looking for another car, but when she was driving me somewhere in my Grand Prix and the car stalled out on the freeway she determined it was imperative.  She managed to convince my mother this 2002 Chrysler PT Cruiser was a great and worthwhile investment.  I’m not entirely sure how that worked, but it did.  Another $3,200.00 red mark onto the dreaded debt sheet owed to my mother.

In July 2013, I decided to leave Aquarius.  There were many reasons that went into that decision but it didn’t make it any easier to have his daughter ask when she could come back.  As Aquarius and I were separating our things, I reminded him of the debt sheet and asked him what his plan was.  He offered to make small payments, but the idea of having to coordinate meetings on a weekly or monthly basis seemed exhausting.  Instead, I suggested he leave behind some things, to sort of make up for the cash I’d spent on our shared bills, the cost of child care when he had been working, cars and whatever else.  He begrudgingly agreed.  I’m sure it’s one of those things he tells his friends I was a bitch for, "making him leave behind his couch, PS2, and other miscellaneous furniture items out of greed."  At the end of the day, the used furniture left behind and the few electronics probably only equaled about half of what was rightfully owed to me but I was willing to call it a wash.  Despite any bad feelings, Aquarius would ask if I wanted to see his daughter now and then if he was running errands.  I would jump at the opportunity and truly thought that maybe this would work out for all of us. 

During the summer of 2013 my best friend and her boyfriend would often crash on my couch, I encouraged it as I had never lived alone and wasn’t necessarily excited at the prospect.  I’ll admit to going a little bit rogue during this time.  I felt free.  I felt like a 20 year old who was no longer responsible for a full household, but only for herself.  I was able to do things for fun and not have to worry about babysitters.  I got a Wal-Mart credit card and bought a TV – the one electronic Aquarius had refused to leave in lieu of paying me back.  It was a $600.00 TV, and when my mom found out she was pretty upset.  I still owed her, and she knew about the maxed out Car Care Credit Card - but what could she do, besides voice her disapproval? 

Eventually school started back up and my friends returned to their dorms.  Around October 2013, I rekindled a relationship with a high school ex, Virgo.  He liked coming around and spending time together, but after getting out of a long term relationship wasn’t chomping at the bit to get back into another one.  So we continued to be “not serious” for a few months.  During which he would often remind me that, despite staying over multiple nights a week, he didn’t want to move in.  He wanted to get his own place, live on his own, and maintain his own household for at least a year before resigning to permanent roommate status with a significant other.  I resented this sentiment, and told him as much, while I allowed him to stay 80% of the time with me rent free.

In November 2013 I turned 21.  I felt as if I’d lived an entire lifetime between the ages of 17 and 21, and I suppose in some ways I had.  Somehow, and I legitimately do not know exactly how, though I know a few generous “gifts” from my mother assisted in the process, my debt sheet owed to her was black.  I no longer owed her any money, and therefore she felt it was well past time for my vehicle to be in my name and for me to get my own car insurance now that I should be able to get affordable rates.  I was officially a full-fledged adult.  I had my own apartment, my car in my name, my own insurance, and my own credit card debt.

On New Year’s Eve 2013, Virgo was finally ready to make us Facebook Official and officially moved in shortly after.  Despite living together, we never actively discussed splitting bills or rent.  Part of that was because it was “my” apartment, part of it was because Virgo still insisted he was going to get a different place that was “ours” so he was saving more, and part of it was because he paid for his own expenses and so even that felt like a weight lifted off of my shoulders compared to my previous arrangement.

During the Summer of 2014, my 2002 PT Cruiser started overheating while idle.  I took it to my usual mechanic and he suggested a fan replacement – my car had two sets of fans, inner and outer.  It was roughly a $600.00 repair so I said go for it.  I picked my car up and it worked fine for a while, but eventually started overheating again.  I took it back to the mechanic, he suggested replacing the other set of fans for another $600.00 and I agreed.  It worked fine for a while and then started overheating again.  The next time I took it in, he said I needed to replace the whole radiator, which was a $2,200 repair.  I didn't feel like I had a choice.  I was drowning in credit card debt, I hadn't gotten a raise recently, I had no real savings to speak of, but I did have an available balance on a credit card.  So again, I agreed, and charged it.  This repair worked for the most part, on really hot days it would still overheat but I learned tricks to make it cool enough to get me where I needed to go.  Years later, when my mom bought this car off of me she continued to report that if she sat idle too long, the heat gauge started to creep up.

Things were good for a while, Virgo and I coexisted well.  I was making $12 an hour, slowly paying off debt, and becoming less resentful towards my ex.  I adopted a cat, which did increase my rent a little bit, but I was able to afford it.  When Virgo brought his cat into our household he paid the monthly fee to have him.  In August 2015, Virgo made good on his promise and moved us into a townhouse that was more space than we needed by far.  It was awesome.  Virgo had a man cave, I had a guest room - where my best friend lived for a while - we had space for parties (which I loved), and he had space to get away from the parties (which he loved).  He had gotten an amazing job prior to making this jump, so he offered to pay the bills for us so I could pay down my debt.  It was an amazing offer, and I’ll admit to taking full advantage of it and only feeling a slight twinge of guilt.  It felt like we were making even, considering I had paid our bills for the last two years and he made almost double my salary.

I won’t say things were perfect, but they were good.  Honestly, and solidly things were good...until they weren’t.  After a lot of personal reflection, deliberation, a lot of lonely nights in a home we shared, and a lot of heavy talks with Virgo, I started making plans to leave before our next lease renewal.  We officially broke up in July 2016, but thankfully he understood that there wasn’t an apartment available for me to move into until September.  We agreed to try and work it out, and if we felt things were good I would swallow my deposit and I would stay.

In September 2016 I was back to living in an apartment by myself.  My friends encouraged me to be excited about this, to take my time, to be alone and really get to know myself, and to focus on paying down debts.  I really tried to take the advice.  I started babysitting for a friend which certainly affected my social life in the evenings, I spent the time I could with friends, and I tried really hard not to get myself into a bad situation.  But my last relationship left me a little bit touch starved (it’s a thing, look it up) so I wound up falling for someone who promised to be everything I’d ever dreamed of. 

Leo, who was 32 by the way, like board games, got together with his friends every single week, and he was affectionate and charismatic.  We went on our first date and he pushed the physical quickly, I didn’t give in and was pretty ready to turn him down for a second date.  I even told my friends that.  But he kept insisting that I shouldn’t throw in the towel yet. He hadn’t done anything wrong per se, I just didn’t feel that spark - as they say.  We had a second date, and then another, and he didn’t seem to mind helping out when I babysat.  Then I invited him to my 24th birthday, and he even seemed to enjoy hanging with my friends…after he got into a screaming match with his mom on the phone and destroyed my mood before my friends showed up.  He also made sure to tell me before my friend’s got there,  that he would be insecure around new people so I’d need to be near him during the party.  At the time I thought it was cute. 

Leo came with some red flags, too.  He worked construction which meant when we started dating in September, he was out of work.  He also didn’t have his own vehicle, but managed to have access to one whenever he needed it.  I wasn’t too terribly worried about his lack of employment; I had no intentions of moving him in so my bills and expenses would be my own regardless of his employment status. That remained true until it snowed.  I’ve written the story of the first time I should have left in great detail so I won’t deep dive too much here but in December 2016, only 3 months after we became Official, he started overstaying his welcome.  After ruining a concert for me by throwing a fit about the city it was in, the venue it was hosted at, the beer they didn’t offer, and the type of people who attended the concert, and causing me to swallow the price of a $150.00 hotel bill because he didn’t wanna stay overnight anymore, we drove home in a snowstorm from Lansing.  When we got home I mentioned how I couldn’t wait to not go anywhere the next day because the roads were so terrible.  The next morning, the first thing he said was that he was out of cigarettes.  I wanted to say, ‘Sounds like a personal problem’, but I didn’t.  He told me he wouldn’t have smoked through the packs he had allotted for the weekend if I hadn’t put him through so much stress to go to that concert in Lansing and drive back in a blizzard.  We had fought so viciously the night before, I just wanted peace.  So I went to my car, drove on terrible roads, and bought him cigarettes.

This would become a vicious cycle.  He just couldn’t drive home if it snowed.  Despite the fact that when we started dating he told me he could only stay one overnight at a time because he needed to be home to take care of his grandfather.  When January came he started staying 3-5 days at a time.  It seemed inconsequential, he had his own cash to pay for his drinks, cigarettes, snacks, and whatever else and he would just go home when the money got tight.  We had a few decent snow storms in the winter of 2016-2017 so quite often he would suddenly need to stay for a full week or more, and the cash would run out.  When that happened, I was suddenly obligated to buy him cigarettes, Red Bull, his preferred snacks, gas for his car, or anything else he felt he needed.

It’s hard to explain the toll that is taken when you are in a relationship with someone who is a narcissist.  If you’ve been in that relationship, then you know what I mean, but in a word it’s exhausting.  He essentially made me quit my babysitting job because he didn’t like that the babysitting took away from “us time”.  He made it sound romantic, like if I didn’t have this obligation every other night of the week then we could have more time for things we wanted to do.  He would get jealous any time I wanted to go to a friend’s place or have a friend over because I was choosing other people over him.  Even if I saw him every day that week, me wanting to go somewhere else for a few hours on Friday would send him through the roof.  He’d get upset with me if I didn’t want to spend my weekend in Clinton with him and his friends and would rather stay home in the apartment I was paying for. 

When my best friend planned a small trip to Port Huron in July 2017 for her 25th birthday and didn’t want Leo to tag-along (because she saw him for who she was already), he ruined the trip for me.  He didn’t say I couldn’t go, but he texted me berating messages every thirty minutes I was gone.  How I was selfish, how I shouldn’t have gone if he wasn’t invited, that my friends were disrespectful, that if I was so worried about money why was I going on this trip and paying for a hotel, why couldn't he and I have gotten a hotel ourselves, that I clearly didn't care about or think about his feelings at all.  He ruined my mood for the whole trip and therefore affected my friends on the trip with me because I kept asking if he was right, if I was the asshole, and why couldn’t they have just let him come along.  My best friend finally asked why I even came if it was going to cause all of this drama.  In that moment, I was mad at her.  That’s the power of mental abuse and narcissism, it convinces you that everyone else is the problem except that person, including you.  When I came home he was still furious, I walked into the living room to him sitting in silence – his favorite tell.  I asked what was wrong, he said nothing.  I asked again, he said you know what.  I said just fucking tell me.  He repeated all of the awful things he had said while I was on the trip.  How rude it was that I would “brag” about everything we were doing, when he had specifically asked me to keep him updated “so that in case I died, he could tell the cops where I was.”  So, me telling him we were going to the beach, or to her aunt’s house for dinner, or whatever else was really me keeping him updated per his request, while he was calling it bragging and sitting in my living room fuming. 

I threw the bag of souvenirs I had bought for him at his feet.  “I didn’t think about you at all?  The only money I spent outside of the hotel and food was on you.”

“Well I didn’t know that.”

“Well yeah I wanted it to be a surprise.  So…surprise.”

Shortly after that trip, when I was logging onto Dort Financial Credit Union to make a payment on my maxed out credit card, I had an alert pop-up that I was pre-approved for a loan up to $12,000.00 towards a recreational vehicle.  I was intrigued.  My debt at that time was just around $10,000.00 and I was curious if I could get a consolidation loan instead of a jet-ski. It turned out the pre-approval couldn’t be used for that but I could apply for a loan.  So, inadvertently that Port Huron trip became my last hurrah.  I consolidated almost all of my credit cards, which closed them out, and I agreed to a loan term of 48 months (or 4 years).  I kept my Car Care Credit Card out of it, and my Dort Financial credit card had to be left out.  So that meant three monthly payments, versus the previous seven monthly payments, with a payoff date set in stone for July 2021.  I felt good.  This seemed like the responsible option, I was excited to share the news with Leo who I thought would be happy for me, too.

He responded to my news of consolidating and working towards paying off debt by saying, “Well, you had better be planning something at least as cool as a trip for my birthday if you’re willing to spend that kind of money on a friend.”

No matter how many times I explained to him that we split the cost of a $400 hotel three ways, he was convinced – and continued to try and convince me – that I had spent a fortune on that trip and therefore owed him the some curtsey of spending that money on his birthday in August.

I wish I could say that I learned all of my lessons at that point.  That I left this toxic asshole in the dust, paid off  my debt, and lived happily from that point on.  But we’re still only to Summer 2017.  To “make up” – not that I should have had to – for going to Port Huron for my best friend’s birthday without him, I suggested an Escape Room.  There was a place in town that I had been dying to try but struggled to justify the cost.  He said that was a great idea and couldn’t wait to invite his three friends.  I had been around these men long enough to know that they weren’t necessarily the most generous of people, and liked to take advantage of Leo’s mom’s generosity to cook them meals every week and share cigarettes anytime they came over.  Leo also said he’d bail last minute if we wound up in a room with strangers, which is unfortunately how Escape Rooms work. (If you don’t have enough people to fill the room as they are designed with a certain sized group in mind.)  And, of course, he wanted to do the largest and most expensive room because it was board game themed.  I didn’t have the cash to pay for this room up front, I was paying off debts and paying bills.  So, I opened up a new credit card.  I told myself it was harmless, because while it was a $300 charge, I could take the cash people reimbursed me with to pay it down and continue making payments for three months and just pretend this credit card didn’t exist.

That’s not what happened.  Not because I had no control, or felt compelled to spend like crazy, but when you have someone in your house 24/7, not helping pay bills, but helping to eat the food, use the electricity and internet all day, and wearing out your video game consoles while you’re at work, things add up.  Leo had lots of nasty habits he had to spend money on, and if he didn’t have it, those expenses became my responsibility.  I know, you’re screaming right now because they’re not.  I did this to myself, I could’ve just not paid for it, I could’ve just told him to leave.  You’re right.  I could’ve just done all of those things.  And sometimes, I did.

At one point, I decided I was done.  I packed up anything he had left at my apartment, I wrote a page long “It’s not you, it’s me” letter and I drove down to Clinton while he was there.  I gave him his stuff and the letter.  He didn’t take it well.  He told me I was an idiot, that I was destroying the best thing I had ever had, that he would kill himself over this.  Told me I was selfish to think that writing a letter somehow absolved me of guilt, that I was a piece of shit.  I was ready to shrug off the suicide threat, I knew it was manipulative, based on past experience I assumed it was an empty threat.  I said I was sorry and got in my car.  He shredded my letter and walked suddenly towards the busy Metro Detroit street as if he was going to walk into oncoming traffic, just as he had threatened.  I felt ill, I imagined him actually doing it and in my mind I heard what it would sound like and saw what it would look like if he got hit by a car moving at 55+ mph and I stopped.  I got out of my car and yelled ”Stop!”  He said fuck off and walked across the street safely.  I didn’t know what he was doing, but I decided it was time to go, so I did.

He called me over and over again.  He texted me incessantly as I was trying to navigate my way out of this urban city during commuting hours.  I pulled over because I couldn’t concentrate.  His texts and phone calls blocked my GPS and as I read the previews of texts proving he was shifting back and forth between begging me to come back, telling me he hated me, begging me to give him one more shot, threatening to walk into oncoming traffic, telling me I was a piece of shit.  I called my friend who lived closer to him than I did and asked if I could come over.  I needed some perspective and couldn’t complete the whole drive home.  She said of course.

I told her everything that had happened, she said it was bullshit, I said I know.  Leo kept texting.  She said ignore him, I said I know. Leo kept texting.  Eventually Leo and I decided we would break up, but he was still suicidal so I felt obligated to keep in contact.  He went to visit a friend in Colorado, she paid for the train ticket to get him there.  He texted and called me the entire time bitching about how awful train stations and trains are and how he regretted going on this trip at all.  All the while saying how he would change, be less jealous, be less controlling of the time I spent away with him.  If I’d just give him one more shot.  He convinced me that I was part of the problem.  How could I ever consider our relationship serious if I didn’t even give him a key, or a drawer to put his things in?  Up until that point I had almost encouraged him to live out of a suitcase so as to make things seem temporary. He called me out on it, and he was right, I just didn’t realize at the time that I should’ve continued listening to my subconscious instead of him.

So I gave him another chance, and a key, and a drawer to put his things in.  I know how frustrating that is, trust me, it was not a lesson I learned easily.  I spent the next year feeling like a prisoner.  I adopted rats because I figured having animals to take care of that would love me unconditionally would help me feel less stuck, less controlled.  It wasn’t Leo keeping me home, I had animals to take care of.  It wasn’t Leo spending all of my disposable income, I had two more mouths to feed.  Excuses and justification are key elements of being in a relationship with a narcissist. 

When I told Leo no, in almost any capacity you can think of, it didn’t go over well.  If I have to give him credit for anything I will say he never hit me.  However, emotional and mental abuse is easier to hide, easier to omit from conversations with friends.  Like, I didn’t tell my friends I was buying his snacks and Red Bulls and cigarettes.  I didn’t tell them that if I refused to buy those things, Leo would fly off the handle, or worse, sit in absolute silence.  No talking, no TV, no music, just brooding silence that felt impenetrable.  In addition to those silent tantrums, Leo also convinced me I was selfish for “expecting” him to stay in Davison with me during the week, but not being willing to go to Clinton with him on the weekends, because he “had” to go home to take care of grandpa and mom.  So for the last half of the year I spent nearly every weekend in Clinton, in his grandfather’s basement watching Netflix on a TV I brought over, and spending time with his friends in the smoke filled garage.  I felt like a prisoner.

On New Years Eve 2017, one of my oldest friends, who often didn’t have time for a social life, wanted to host a few people.  It would be a group of 8 if the invited each brought their significant others, so hardly a rager.  Leo was into the idea for weeks, looking forward to the party, until he realized there wouldn’t be much drinking. 

“What kind of party doesn’t involve drinking?”

“This one.”

“Then I’m not fucking going.”

“Okay.  But I am going.”

“You’re going to go without me?”

“Well…yeah, I told my friend I’d go.  And I want to go.  So I’m going.”

He didn’t like that much.  He called me selfish, he called my friends selfish losers.  He told me to fuck off.  I told him to fuck off and go home.  I went to New Years Eve at my friend’s.  I didn’t look at my phone because I didn’t want to hear it.

The next day, I woke up to numerous missed calls and missed text messages.  His messages would range from furious, name-calling, abusive behaviors to apologetic, pitiful pleas for forgiveness and acceptance.  I told him I was done, and I thought I meant it.  He said I had to at least come down and get the few things I'd left.  So I did.

While I was at his grandfather's house, under the guise of just picking up my things, Leo begged me for forgiveness.  He was a changed man, he wanted to continue to change for me.  He just needed … one more chance.  Or, at the very least, one last hug and kiss for the road.  I hugged him, he squeezed me tightly and whispered something along the lines of “I just don't know if I can make it here without you.”  I felt scared that I would somehow be responsible for his suicide if I didn't just say, “Okay, one more chance.  But I mean it this time.”

Somehow, despite all of the mental gymnastics, mind games, control tactics, gas-lighting, and the sheer amount of money I was spending to keep Leo happy and comfortable in his nasty habits, I managed to save about $1,500.00 by May 2018.  My 2002 PT Cruiser had just hit 200,000 miles and I knew from experience that it would likely start needing many expensive repairs.

This was my first time buying a car more-or-less by myself.  Leo was of little help.  Shortly after we had gotten together, he had convinced his grandfather to buy him a fairly new vehicle, off of a lot for $15,000.00 so Leo's car concerns were few.  He didn't want to spend hours in the car with me shopping around for a piece of shit used car, and besides, he didn't know enough about cars to be of any help anyhow.  We had a huge fight over the fact that he wouldn't even go with me to support me.  To try and make up for the fight, he agreed to ride along so I could check out a car near where his mother and grandfather lived.  He bitched the entire time.  He complained about how long the drive was, he demanded I had to buy him a pack of cigarettes and a Red Bull for putting up with the ride, he said we should've just planned to stay at his grandfather's house instead of driving all the way back to Davison.  He made the already stressful ride so much worse.  By the time we got to the car, checked it out, drove it around for a while, I was so frazzled I couldn't decide whether or not to buy it.  Ironically it was cheaper, and probably a better car than the 2008 Cruiser I wound up with but I couldn't think.  He berated me for wanting to check fluids in front of the seller, saying we looked like we didn't trust or believe them.  He refused to help, and overall just made an ass of himself in front of this couple.  I was embarrassed and exhausted and just ready to go home.

The following weekend, my friend/coworker offered to go with me to look at numerous vehicles and test drive them.  She did her best not to sway me one way or another.  Aside from convincing me not to buy a 2001 because I'd technically be downgrading and it was the same price as the 2008 Cruiser I wound up buying.  Hindsight is 20/20 of course, because there were lots of issues with the Cruiser I wound up buying.  I dropped $3,200 in cash on this car and when I went to get the title switched over, the clerk at the Secretary of State informed me that unless I had driven to Florida and bought this car off of the dealership lot that was still listed on the title and drove it back to Michigan transfer it into my name, then the seller was likely committing fraud by “title jumping”.  I had to fill out a form explaining exactly how I had come into possession of the vehicle, who I had given money to, who had given me the vehicle, and she said there was a chance the state would have to take possession of the vehicle if fraud was to be found.

I left the Secretary of State poorer than I entered it – not realizing at the time that the cost of transferring a plate is significantly less than purchasing a new one and I had, of course, purchased a new one.  I called my boss, sobbing, asking if I was going to be in trouble for “title-jumping” when all I did was find a car on Facebook Marketplace and hand someone cash for a car that almost everyone had told me not to buy, based on my costly repairs on the 2002.  He assured me that if anyone was going to be in trouble it would be the seller(s) and the owner of the car dealership and not me.  He couldn't assure me the car wouldn't be taken by the state but thankfully, it wasn't.  I called the guy who had taken my cash and told him what had happened, he told me he'd have his uncle – the guy who owned the dealership that was still on the title – give me a call.  Mr. Dealership berated me on the phone, trying to convince me he had explained the situation to me and told me what to say at the Secretary of State and that I was being a troublemaker.  He wouldn't let me get a word in, so I couldn't explain that I had already explained the truth of the situation to the Secretary of State.  Instead, Mr. Dealership insisted that I repeat verbatim to him that I would not tell the Secretary of State that his nephew sold me the car, and that I would say I had purchased it from his Dealership in Florida.  Being used to emotional abuse by this point, I knew better than to argue with him. 

I pursed my lips, muttered , “Mhmm”.

And he said, “Now that's a good girl.”

Once the green title came in the mail, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief.  The 2008 Chrysler PT Cruiser was mine, and any repercussions from the scammy sale were no longer my concern.  I now felt free to drive it up to the mechanic shop I took all of my cars to and have them inspect and tell me everything I could or should consider fixing. 

When the mechanic called me he asked, “So is this a car you're considering purchasing?”

“Oh no, it's been purchased.”

“Well, in that case, you've got some suspension parts that definitely need to be replaced.”  I believe he explained it was the sway bar, and a ball joint on one side of the car, a $1,500.00 repair.  I didn't have the cash, seeing as I had drained my savings to purchase the car in the first place, hoping I'd have at least a month with it before I had to drop money into it.  Such is the risk with buying used cars with minimal knowledge.  He rattled off a few other repairs that were minor and could be put off but asked if I wanted him to get to work on the suspension issues that were causing it to shake on the freeway.  I told him yes, and prepared to charge yet another vehicle repair to my credit card, thankful it would at least qualify as a 0% interest purchase as long as I paid it off within 6 months.  It seemed doable.

Shortly after my new car purchase and me having almost nightly anxiety attacks about money, Leo took a job for the first time during our relationship.  Granted, it was a job I helped him find working for the brother of a close friend of mine, but it was a job nevertheless. He had to work the day of my 27th birthday party.  I asked him multiple times if it was okay that people would be over by the time he got back from work.  He said it was fine.  I spent all day prepping a chicken and vegetable white sauce lasagna for my guests.  I was exhausted, but excited for friends to get there. It was clear when he walked in the door that day, he wasn’t fine.  He was pissed that he could barely get past my friends sitting around the living room to take a shower.  Then when he got out of the shower he was pissed that my friend’s boyfriend had “taken Leo's seat”.  Then, after finding a different seat across the room from me, eating and complaining about not liking my lasagna as much as he likes the frozen kind, he suddenly scoffed audibly and left the room to go into the bedroom.  I thought maybe I’d missed him getting a text or something.  I excused myself from my guests and went into the bedroom where Leo lay in the dark with nothing on.  No phone to scroll on, no television, no music.  Just brooding.  I asked him why he was upset, he said it was nothing.  I asked again, he said I should know.  I said well I don’t so use your words. 

“Your fucking friend’s boyfriend is sitting in the seat next to you so what am I supposed to do?  Sit around strangers?”

I didn’t understand, and I was fuming.  I told him he was being ridiculous and selfish and it was my fucking birthday and we had discussed all of this and would he please just come out and pretend to be happy and take a picture with me and my friends.  He said no.  I said fine and left the room.

I told my friends he had a headache and had a long day at work.  We all grouped together to take a picture.  It felt dirty, lying to them.  I felt sick knowing he was back there, and that I really wanted him gone.  I wondered if it was worth causing a scene in front of the most important people in my life.  Maybe he’d go quietly, so embarrassed to make an ass of himself.  Then I got scared, what if he was right and my friends would embarrassed by me and would just leave uncomfortably.  So I stayed silent.  Leo exited the bedroom, came up behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist, whispered into my ear that he was sorry and smiled for the picture.

During the winter following my birthday in 2018 there was another huge fight when I told Leo to leave.  I was done.  I was sick of spending my money on him, of supporting him financially.  We screamed at each other, I was literally screaming at the top of my lungs, and he kept asking me why I was acting crazy.  He backed me into a corner in the galley kitchen, I told him to back off.  He walked back into the living room but he kept accusing, and I kept screaming.  He said he couldn’t leave, he was too upset and the roads were bad because of the snow.  I said I don’t care you have to go.  He called his mom to come pick him up.  Let me reiterate:  we were in Davison and he had a car, but he was too upset to drive and so he called his mom who lived in Clinton to drive to Davison to pick him up, after one of Leo's friends could get to her house to keep an eye on grandpa, and then Leo would eventually need his mom to drive him back to Davison so he could pick up his car.  Spoiler alert – this is a manipulation tactic.   Unfortunately his mom was also a victim of his abuse and enabled him by doing just that.  Leo told me he would go.  But he had to wait for his mother.  So we sat in our upset and our tension for over an hour.  When she got there, she asked to come up, use the bathroom and smoke a cigarette.  So there I was, watching Leo hand her the pack of cigarettes I had bought him, and sat there while the man I wanted so desperately out of my life and his mother smoke off of my balcony, which in theory could get me evicted.  We didn’t break up that day, but he did pack his things and take everything out of the drawer I had designated for him.

On another brisk night, Leo and I fought and I was starting to scream at him but I just didn’t want to.  I wanted to go for a walk but it was pitch black out and I know that’s not safe.  I made a status to that effect and my best friend who lived close said to just come over – which she never did spontaneously.  I took her up on the offer and I sat in her car and I sobbed.  I said I didn’t know what to do, I felt so stuck, like I couldn’t convince him to leave no matter what I did.  My friend looked at me, not knowing what to say, not used to seeing me helpless.  I told her I was drowning, I was back to being buried in multiple credit card debts and I hadn’t even paid off the consolidation loan yet.  She said I had to stop, that Leo was draining me in more ways than one.  I knew she was right, and I truly felt I had done everything I could possibly do to make him go.

I had also started going to therapy between 2017 and 2018.  Partly because my insurance made it affordable, but ultimately I think I was going because I was hoping someone would pick up on all of the badness that was surrounding me and help me leave.  I don’t know why I thought a therapist could do all of that.  Unfortunately my first therapist wasn’t very good.  She said construction work was tough to find and I couldn’t blame him for that, she said my lack of wanting to be with him physically was my own problem and I should just put out to make him happy because that’s what we as women have to do sometimes.

Finally, sometime in 2019 I asked my friend/co-worker who had helped me find my new car and whom had been my confidant for most of these issues, if she would do me a huge favor.  I asked her if I went home from work, and packed all of his things, would she help me take it all downstairs and then drive me to Clinton.  I knew I’d be too emotional to not be a hazard to myself, and I was genuinely afraid to go alone.  It hadn’t worked out the last two times, and trying to get him to leave hadn’t worked, this felt like the only option.  She said she’d do it, and I am eternally grateful to her for that because I genuinely don’t know if I’d have gotten out of this relationship without her help.

I did the math after he left, in between his berating text messages and threatening text messages and his refusal to bring me anything I had left behind in Clinton.  I had been spending at least $150.00 a month on him.  If you do the math, from September 2016 to January 2019, which is 28 months, I spent $4,200.00 just trying to keep him happy.  I think at the time I was generous and only counted 16 months, so the months we spent together after his trip to Colorado and told him the only thing I wanted from him was a check for $2,500.00.  And that’s only the daily or weekly things he deemed as necessities, it doesn’t include any dates, gifts, or anything else I spent money on to make up for something I did that he deemed disrespectful or hurtful.

Finally, in March 2019 I was freed.  I was free of the prison of my own making, but I was drowning in debt.  I was struggling to make sure the rent was paid, my credit card balances weren’t going anywhere, and my consolidation loan was only half over.  The twenty-four months of ongoing payments felt daunting.  I was an anxious mess all of the time, afraid of falling behind, of being evicted, of having my car break down, of not being able to get to work.  Everything scared me, and I hadn't felt that way in a very long time. 

It took a few months before I finally got things back on track – more or less.  I started paying a little bit extra towards my consolidation loan in an attempt to pay it off earlier.  That had always been the plan but I had gotten a bit…derailed to put it lightly.  As of me posting this, that loan is paid off.  In a lot of ways, that kind of feels like I’m shedding the skin that I wore during my relationships with Aquarius and Virgo.  I’m not blaming them, not entirely, as we are all responsible for our own decisions.  Having that obvious line of distinction between the debts I incurred prior to 2017 and the debts after, it’s kind of like drawing a line to mark when life changed.  Now, I’m looking forward to drawing a new line, one that separates my life prior to 2019 and now.

April 2021 feels like the first time I’ve felt hope in a long time.  I’ve had glimmers come in and out throughout the years.  The hope in 2013 that maybe me ending things with Aquarius wouldn’t mean losing the light that his daughter brought into my life forever.  The hope in 2015 of starting a brand new life with Virgo in a townhouse we could live comfortably in for a while until we were ready for kids and dogs and everything else.  The hope in 2019 of leaving the most toxic, manipulative, and abusive relationship I’ve ever known.  This hope somehow feels bigger.  Because it’s not just about what I’m leaving behind, but about what I can build from here on out.  In the past most of my hope has been tied with losing something that scares me.  But there’s no fear, now.  There is only this hope and the feeling of rebirth.  Truly, anything is possible, without conditions or restraints.

Maybe all of this is a bit long winded, or feels overdramatized, but being able to pay my bills as they come due, like my mom and dad always taught me to do, makes me feel so good.  It makes me feel like I am capable of doing the right things; that my parents’ lessons weren’t taught in vain.  I can see my savings potential once these monthly payments are gone.  I can literally see the light at the end of the tunnel and dictate when things will be paid off because I can afford to pay more than minimum payments for the rest of my life.  I don’t feel choked or drowned by the bad decisions I’ve made.  I feel like I’m climbing a mountain, it’s difficult, and it’s easy to stumble, but I can catch myself, and I know that reaching the summit will be so satisfying.

What is the moral of this?  If there must be a moral – don’t make yourself smaller for your relationships.  Don’t question what you know to be good and right to make someone else happy.  Stand up for yourself.  Establish boundaries, preferably early, but any boundary at any time is better than being trampled forever.  Be careful with credit cards and the temptation that comes with them.  Don’t crash multiple vehicles multiple years in a row.  Don’t stay in dead end relationships with toxic people, I promise there is a way out.  Make a plan, stick to it, and be proud of yourself along the way.  Think forward, think to the time beyond now, and try to remember that all hard things will end.

Tl;dr - Don’t waste your time or your money on dead end relationships.  You are worth more than that.