Question 11/424: What could you talk
about for hours?
Anyone who has known me even for a short time
probably knows that the real answer to this question is – almost anything. I am a true-blue extrovert in every sense of
the term. I derive energy from being in
social situations and being able to talk and express myself freely. It’s not hard to find a topic I’m comfortable
expanding on or willing to at least try to discuss. I’m open to general small talk as well as
deep introspective conversations. I may
not always be considered the most empathetic – if you tell me a sad story I’ll
of course express sympathy but then I tend to try and move the conversation
elsewhere – but I am a pretty good listener and I want to be in those conversations
with people (unless I’m at work, but that’s a whole other situation.
However, if I were to forced to pick a few
areas of interest and potentially have to speak publicly (what would I give a
TED talk on) the answers are probably a little less interesting. It feels a little silly to say that what I
can speak the most about is three TV shows in particular: Boy Meets World, Gilmore Girls, and Law and
Order: SVU. These have been my favorite TV shows since I
was in middle school and I have rewatched them from beginning to end more times
than I can count. While I may not know
every fun behind-the-scenes facts, I do know a decent amount between reading
posts online, listening to commentaries, and now also listening to re-watch
podcasts (what a blessing). I often find
myself referring to Boy Meets World and Gilmore Girls in my daily life whether
it be a moral lesson or simply a reference that feels appropriate to the
situation.
On a more “mature” note, I have been working
in a bankruptcy office since 2010 and so that means I have 12 years of
experience in this field. While
bankruptcy is a federal filing, every municipality has its own local rules, so
I can really only speak on my experience in Michigan, but that experience is
pretty extensive as far as Chapter 7 and Chapter 13 bankruptcies work. I know most of the spiels inside and out and
can (and have) recite them in my sleep.
I understand the BestCase Bankruptcy program that we use for drafting
and filing petitions inside and out, and also have had dreams where I am simply
working on the program and then wake up being confused about what I did in real
life versus in my dreams.
I have also spent many years of my life trying
to correct and pay off credit card debt.
I know that probably seems ironic considering I work in a bankruptcy
office, but you can read my previous blog post if you want the long-winded
explanation of that situation.
Regardless, I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to
manage my own debts without having to file bankruptcy. So I have a lot of knowledge about which cards
are actually good to have, as well as methods of paying off cards without
paying tons in interest charges. I’m not
an expert, but I certainly have some advice to give if anyone needs it (though
the number 1 piece of advice would be – not to let significant others convince
you to spend money you don’t have to make them happy or keep your relationship afloat).
Overall I think those are the areas in which I
am the most knowledgeable and able to speak on for hours. But as I said in the beginning, talking is
one of the things I am not afraid to do – probably to my own detriment some of
the time.
Question 12/424: Is it ever ok to
lie to children? If so, when?
I don’t know if you noticed my sudden lack of commitment
to this project. Now, I am known for starting
a project going all in and then suddenly losing interest and abandoning it
altogether. However, this time, it wasn’t a matter of
losing interest or just choosing not to commit – this question stopped me in my
tracks. When I first read the question, “Is
it ever ok to lie to children?” my gut reaction was “Well, yeah, duh.” But then I thought further on it, and I was
reminded of a scene from Gilmore Girls (told you I can find ways to reference
my favorite shows in real life). Anyhow,
the scene went something like this:
Luke: Last week, I discovered the secret of parenting.
Lorelai: Well, tell me. What is- Oh, wait. It's a secret. You
can't tell me.
Luke: No, I'll tell you:
You visualize the reality you want. And then if necessary, you lie to bring it
about.
Lorelai: That is so much worse than I was expecting.
Luke: You never lied to your kid?
Lorelai: Uh, to save her from great physical pain,
yes. When she was little and she would
play in the kitchen, then I told her that the burners were the devil’s hands, but
I’d say it in a really scary evangelist voice, “Don’t touch the devil’s hands.” She still doesn’t go near the stove.
Luke: Yes, exactly, you told a little white lie for
your kid’s protection.
When I think about that scene, it makes me do
a double take on my own opinion on whether or not you should lie to
children. I think on the surface it
makes sense to lie to your kids depending on the circumstances. Maybe you lie about what cigarettes and
alcohol are and just say they’re “adult things”. You tell your kids your food is “too spicy”
to prevent them wanting some of it. If your kid sees something a little too adult in a movie, you avoid explaining what it actually meant or was. We
lie to our kids about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy to keep
magic alive for them. If someone hurts your
kid’s feelings, maybe you lie about why that other person behaved badly even if
you don’t know the real reason for it.
If you’re co-parenting and the other parent doesn’t show up you tell
your kid “they’re busy” not that they’re selfish and didn’t care enough to come
get them. All these things initially seem
fair and like valid things to lie about.
When I think further about why would
you lie about these things it makes me wonder, who are you protecting with
these lies? Yourself? Someone else?
Your kid? Don’t get me wrong, I
don’t think kids need to be privy to every single life experience at a young
age, but if they’re being exposed to something, maybe we owe it to them to give
them a real explanation as to why so-and-so smokes and why the kid can’t hang
out with them. Maybe you don’t want to
bash your co-parent in front of the kid, but at the same time is it bashing to
say the truth, “I don’t know why your mom/dad didn’t come get you today, kiddo,
but that’s okay we’ll have a good day anyhow.”
Even in the Gilmore Girls reference where Lorelai says she lied and told
her kid that the stover burners were the devil’s hands – but couldn’t you also
just say “The burners are hot and if you touch them you will get really badly
hurt and we’ll have to go to the hospital.”
At the end of the day, I can’t say that I have
not and would not ever lie to a kid, but I do think it’s worth considering the
why behind the lie before you say it out loud.
Especially when we’re trying to teach our kids not to lie, to be honest
with us and come forward with things even if it’s uncomfortable or scary. I think it’s important to practice what we
preach. I know there are a few instances
from my childhood where one of my parents lied to me about something, probably with
the best of intentions, but then when I got older and learned the truth it made
me look at my parent differently, to feel a little hurt and betrayed by them
and made me wonder why they felt they had to be untruthful about the
situation. So if nothing else, really
consider what lies you feel you need to say to your child, and consider if it
really is truly necessary at the end of the day.
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