Topix Questions 17 "A Time You Felt Nervous" & 18 "Thoughts on Traditional Gender Roles, Etc"

Question 17/424:  Remember a time you felt nervous before doing something. How did it go?

I feel nervous/anxious (are those the same?) often before doing new things.  As an adult, most things I’ve been nervous about but did anyway have worked out fine.  Honestly, I think the only time me pushing through nerves didn’t work out in my favor was during middle and high school when I would admit to having a crush on someone and they would quickly turn me down.

As far as recent examples go, I just last night attending my first comedy club show (I’d been to theaters hosting a comic before but never to a venue dubbed a Comedy Club) and it was in downtown Detroit.  I was nervous about parking, and whether I’d have to walk alone for a long distance, but thankfully I was able to find parking literally right next door and the show was a great time.

Also, I recently auditioned for my first play since 2019 (I believe that was the year I auditioned) and I was very nervous.  Thankfully, the writer and director of this particular play is also new to this and so there was a lot less pressure than if I had been auditioning in front of a seasoned pro.  Honestly, though, it was less of an audition and more of a cold read because I believe someone had dropped out right before rehearsals were set to start and so really the part was essentially mine as soon as I walked in if I wanted it (though I didn’t know that when I walked in).  Also for rehearsals we’ve been meeting in Downtown Flint and that also made me nervous cuz even just being on the wrong block can be sketchy but thankfully my co-star is always willing to walk me to my car so at least I’m not alone.

I get nervous every time I feel like I’m due to ask for a raise, and I have one of the most fantastic bosses a person can have and we’ve worked together for almost thirteen years and yet I still get nervous.  Even he has made light comments about how he doesn’t understand why I get nervous cuz we’ve been working together for so long I should know that he’d never react in a truly negative or cruel way.  It’s true that he’s never been cruel, or even angry, but I think part of my brain is just wired to expect the worst even when historically the best outcomes have already happened.

I get nervous when starting new friendships, or trying to pursue a friendship outside of group settings when I feel connected to someone.  Almost always, me being willing to step through my nervousness has gone well and resulted in furthering friendships and deepening those connections in ways I rarely regret.

I am a person who tries to do things despite nerves for the sake of being able to say that I did everything I could before letting a person or an opportunity pass me by.  I must admit that I have not always seized every opportunity but I do my best to try so I can hopefully live life with as few regrets as possible.  Another perspective I try to maintain is that even if I fail or if I don’t do something as well as another person might, if I’m the one showing up then that counts for something.  Also, if I am in a position where I might be talking myself out of something due to nerves, it really only takes one or two people to tell me that I should really go out and do it to convince me to do so – as long as it also logistically makes sense.  I think most people would be better off trying to push through their nerves and anxieties whenever possible.  I do recognize that sometimes pushing through anxiety can be a very impossible thing, but any small steps you can make towards coping with that and doing the thing anyway can be very beneficial.  Especially after my friend Courtney passed away, I’ve done my best to try and keep her way of living alive, which is to say do the damn thing, the people you love will be there for you if it doesn’t work out.

  

Question 18/424:  What are your thoughts on traditional gender roles, occupations, chivalry, etc?

My short answer is that I think all gender roles are essentially bullshit.  That being said, I also admit that there are no absolutes in this life and that I certainly lean into gender rolls when it’s convenient for me.  Growing up, my parents described themselves as teammates meaning that even when my mother was a stay-at-home parent and homemaker she was doing more than the “typical wifely duties”.  Growing up, our home was for a time a daycare center, then later we acquired horses, chickens, and ducks and we became a hobby farm.  My dad was working 10-12 hour days so he could hardly be expected to care for the farm, so my mother took on that responsibility with the help of her kids.  When my mother wanted flower gardens, my dad taught her how to build them and they also became her responsibility.  When my parents moved into my childhood home, the yard had previously been a cornfield meaning that there was not very much grass or greenery and it became my mother’s responsibility to help with the watering and seeding of the grass as well as planting and caring for the trees that have since grown to be taller than the house itself.  Even later my parents invested in real estate and it became a joint project that both of my parents would work hard on these rental properties for months on end. My mother has never been afraid of hard work, and so for that reason I too have taken a lot of pride in being able to do a lot of things that are traditionally “men things”.  I have spent a lot of years of my life trying to be interested in things that boys/men like because I wanted to be  a person that my brother wanted to hang out with.  Admittedly, a lot of those hobbies and interests didn’t stick as well as others but I still spent a lot of my childhood trying to love the “boy” cartoons, characters, toys, and games.

Other huge factors in my belief that gender roles are bullshit are my maternal grandmother and my paternal aunt.  My grandmother became a widow in her early thirties and never remarried.  Even though she had a few boyfriends throughout my childhood and adolescence it was always very clear that the house my grandmother lived in was her own, that she worked a full-time and back-breaking job every day, and that anything she had she created herself without the assistance of any of the boyfriends she allowed into her life.  My aunt, though married and raising four children, was the person who worked a regular full-time job year round.  My uncle on the other hand only worked part of the year and spent the other half of the year being a wonderful parent and housekeeper so my aunt could come home and relax and not be expected to also take care of the entire household after a full day of work. I’ve always had the utmost respect for these women in my life who took their lives into their own hands and made lives that worked for them, regardless of the opinion of society.

On the male side of things, most men I grew up around have been pretty traditional in that they do all the things that men are “supposed to do”.  They work hard, they bring home a good paycheck, and they make sure their families don’t want for anything.  Despite this, there were also times when my dad would cook dinner, and my brother for many years was the main cook in the household when my parents were busy working on rental properties.  My dad was also an artist and a perfectionist and never forgot to buy my mom flowers for any Hallmark holiday or special occasion.  Unfortunately, in my adult life, I have met a lot of men who don’t necessarily fit the description I listed above.  I’m not saying that all men should, but I do think that men and women should be – and should want to be – teammates and partners.  I think it’s way more important for the division of labor to be even versus being predetermined by sex or gender.  That being said, I will admit I found it extremely sweet and romantic when I watched my boss go out of his way to open a car door for his wife of over 15 years even when it was raining (although I don't know if I'd ever be comfortable accepting behavior like that).

An example of what I think the ideal relationship should look like is actually a short anecdote about a lovely lesbian couple I used to know.  Partner A had been working two jobs to try and help make ends meet while Partner B was working on more creative projects.  This was an agreed upon arrangement at least temporarily to see if it would work.  During that time a lot of the household chores and expectations became the responsibility of Partner B.  It became clear relatively quickly that the added pressure and work hours were taking a toll on Partner A both emotionally and physically.  So, Partner B put aside the creative endeavors and took on a job that worked long shifts and long weeks but paid enough that Partner A could actually quit both jobs and take sometime for their health.  During this time a lot of the household chores and expectations because the responsibility of Partner A. There was no animosity in this situation.  These two people (who happened to be two women) decided to prioritize their partnership and their lives together versus choosing the selfish option.  I think at the end of the day, that should be the goal regardless of what genders are in a relationship.  I think it’s very close-minded and short-sighted to think that Men are responsible for A, B and C while Women are responsible for D, E, and F because sometimes in real life those expectations simply won’t add up.