Topix Questions 37: Are You Quick to Apologize, Or Is It Difficult For You? & 38: How Would You Like People to Remember You?

Question 37/424:  Are you quick to apologize, or is it difficult for you?

I think how fast I am to apologize has a lot to do with the context.  If I truly felt that I was in the right during an argument after something said or done, then I will probably not rush to apologize.  I don’t believe in saying that you’re sorry for things you don’t actually feel sorry for.  However, if it’s a situation where there was a misunderstanding or something said out of anger or hurt that I didn’t actually mean, then in those situations I am usually pretty fast to apologize.  I also like to make sure that when I apologize it’s genuine, and I don’t want to just say that I’m sorry, I want to actually think about what was said or done and what I am actually sorry for and what I will do to prevent that from happening again.  One of my favorite quotes is “Apology without changed behavior is manipulation” and I never want to fall into that category.

I will admit, though, that if I am in a disagreement with someone or a fight with someone and it feels like the resolution is going to be that person not talking to me anymore, I will sometimes apologize faster.  Especially if it’s a person I care deeply about and I want to make things right with. Sometimes being right in an argument or a debate is not the most important thing, and I’d rather keep my relationships safe and secure than need to be the one in the right.

This has been a bad habit I’ve tried to break.  In the past I have definitely been a person who has to have the last word or doesn’t like to be proven wrong and will get defensive in response to that.  However, as I get older, I realize that there are less and less things worth getting worked up over and even less things worth getting into fights over and risk losing a friend for.  Certainly those topics exist, and on topics like racism, sexism, and general bigotry I am not likely to apologize at all.

Growing up my sister and I would often get into fights and they would usually result in her closing her bedroom door and reusing to speak to me.  I don’t do well with the silent treatment and so I would do whatever it took to get her to talk to me again.  Usually that required me writing a note to her explaining what I did wrong, that I understand what I had done wrong, and what I would do to correct the issue in the future.  It’s interesting looking back on that and seeing how much that shaped me in more ways than I probably realized for a long time.

I’ve also been in relationships where my partner would punish me with the silent treatment.  Not just refusing to speak to me, either, but literally sitting in a room of silence – no television or music – just sitting in silence stewing on the bad feelings in the room.  It would usually put me into a panicked mindset and I would apologize for any and everything under the sun just so that he would finally look at me and say something to me even if it was something mean, cruel or uncalled for.  I have no problem being in a fight, even loud and nasty ones, but I cannot handle being in a situation where the other person simply will not engage with me.  I don’t know if that’s a toxic trait of mine, but I know the silent treatment is it’s own toxic trait as well and I simply will not put up with it.  I understand people needing time to cool off or think about things, but a certain point a dialogue has to happen or else nothing ever gets resolved or better – see also that relationship ending thankfully.

So, yes, I am certainly willing to apologize if the circumstances call for it, and I won’t withhold and apology out of spite, but I also won’t rush to apologize unless I mean it.  That’s a hard rule to stick by, sometimes apologizing seems like the easy thing to do, the quickest way to resolve the conflict, but at the end of the day if you’re apologizing for things you’re not actually sorry for then you’re not likely to change the behavior and that will just result in future conflicts.  Besides it’s just bad form to apologize for things you don’t actually feel sorry for.  Much better to be honest with yourself and with others than not.

 

Question 38/424:  How would you like people to remember you?

In a word:  Good.  I hope people remember me as a good person.  Someone you could count on, someone that was helpful, kind, and generous.  I used to put a lot of value on being remembered as smart or successful, and while those things would be nice I don’t put as much emphasis on those things.  I think success can be very misleading and can mean different things to different people.  I think most people would like to be financially successful even if only to create a safe and secure life for themselves and maybe give back to others, but it seems like being that type of successful is a lot harder to accomplish that just being a good person.

I’ve tried my whole life to be considered a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister, a good partner.  I try really hard to always consider other people, I try not be selfish too often, I try to be considerate of other people’s needs and wants and I try to accommodate as much as I can.  It’s possible I’m a bit too much of a people pleaser, but I’d rather be around people than by myself so that requires a little bit of people pleasing to accomplish.

It would be nice for people to remember me as talented.  In high school I put a lot of my energy and effort into my performances in choir, theater and talent shows.  I’m proud of what I’ve done and I have recently started getting back into stage performances.  Of course you want to think that you’re talented and not just being chosen out of desperation to fill roles, and it would be nice if I could leave some mark on the local art world in one way or another.  I’ve always wanted to be a writer, and I would love to write and publish a memoir but I don’t know if that’ll ever happen.  My friends have been given explicit permission and instruction that once I pass away they have every right to take any and everything I’ve ever written – from diaries to poetry – and publish it in whatever way they see fit.  At least then all the things I’ve committed to paper can potentially see the light of day even if it’s after I’m gone.  I think about all of the things I read in middle and high school and how powerful some of them were and how much they’ve stuck with me through the years.  I’d love to be able to say I wrote something that mattered that much to even one person.

I always say that if money was no obstacle and I could snap my fingers and have my dream life right now that I would want to live on a property large enough that I could foster all types of animals and even have space to board volunteers.  It would be amazing to leave behind a legacy of caring for animals and helping to keep animals alive and find their forever homes.  I follow a few rescues and rescuers and it’s amazing to see how people can use their online platforms for so much good.  I would love to be a part of that community and be able to say I made the difference in the lives of animals, and in the lives of people who were able to adopt those animals.  When I was a kid I wanted to be a veterinarian but honestly I think being a rescuer or a fosterer would be so much more impactful.  Of course we need veterinarians, but I want to do more than just offer medical care to animals, I want to offer loving homes.

When I was younger, I never wanted to be a parent.  In fact a high school boyfriend and I had a pact that we would both get sterilized once we both turned 18.  We didn’t stay together, that pact never went through, and I think that process is a bit more complicated than we thought it was at 15/16.  Since then, though, I’ve had a number of friends have kids and I’ve dated people with kids and I see more and more how important it is to be a good influence in the lives of children.  I want to be the adult in these kids’ lives that they can come to with things that scare them or they’re too scared to talk to their parents about.  I want to be the constant in someone’s life that they know they can come to if things get shaky and scary.  I want to make a difference in the life of a child or children.  I hope one day if I don’t have any of my own children I can at least foster or maybe adopt and make my impact in that way.  But until then I’ll just keep doing my best to be a good aunt / good adult in the lives of the children around me.

But, in a word, I hope people just remember me as a good person who really, truly tried her best.