Feeling Numb While Floating in Limbo

I want to sink into oblivion

I want to hide so well I disappear

Unfindable

Untouchable

In so many ways I already feel like a ghost

Wouldn’t it be easier for everyone

If they didn’t have to worry about accommodating me

My messes

My drama

And my never ceasing crisis commentary

I’m spiraling

I can feel it

I know everyone can see it

They’re all asking how to help me

I don’t want to take the assistance

I don’t want to feel their pity

I don’t want the martyrdom

(Even if it fits me perfectly)

I don’t want to feel their eyes on me

Anticipating my next move

I don’t want to hear the chants from their Coliseum seats

Screaming out what I already know to be true

Tearing me apart

 

I just want to breathe

I want to behave recklessly

I want to do something truly life shattering

So wildly out of character

That people question if they ever knew me

The way that I question if I even know me

Is this crisis?

Is this grief?

Is this depression?

Is this mania?

No one knows because I keep on smiling

I keep on playacting

I keep placating

Doing the same things I’ve been doing for so long

The routine is so engrained in me

I don’t know where the pattern ends

And my actual wants and needs begin

I don’t how to break free of this

But I want to

My skin is itching under the constraints

My brain is burning through the factors

My heart is fluttering at the promise

Of a totally new life

Even if it has to be built out of the ashes

Of my negligently started forest fire

Start fresh

Or hide away

Until people get tired of searching

And reemerge brand new

Free from the chokehold of my current self

 

I see what the rest of you see

But I am no longer present in my own body

I have become depersonalized

I’m watching someone who seems like me

Destroying everything I worked so hard to build

Laughing at the anguish that I feel

Refusing to let me speak or scream

So if I’m not really here anyhow

I might as well give in

Find my peace in oblivion

We’d all probably be better off

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