Maybe My Depressed is Different than Your Depressed

My depressed means that the wrong statement can send me over the edge
My depressed makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide
My depressed makes me recoil at the thought of physical contact

I’ll turn mirrors to face each other or the wall
I’ll rush from work to home to avoid the eyes of strangers
Who probably don’t see me anyway
But my depression makes me feel like a giant
My depression makes me feel like an ogre

My depression makes me want to do whatever I have to do to make up to you whatever I did wrong to you
But my depression also makes me feel unworthy of forgiveness
My depression makes me feel incapable of helping or fixing
My depression makes me push you away,
Because my depression says I don’t deserve you
My depression says I’m awful and terrible and you could do so much better

My depression does not want attention
My depression wants to be alone
Because I don’t want you to see me like this, to feel like this, to experience this

My depression doesn’t keep me in bed all day
Because I won’t give my depression the satisfaction of proving my worthlessness
My depression is an ocean
My depression ebbs when I am doing something worthwhile
My depression swells when I give it too much time alone
My depression is still powerful

And your words can agitate the tides of my depression
And maybe that’s typical, though I’ve never heard it to be true
My depression is a fire I can typically contain
But the wrong words are gasoline thrown upon the flames
I am burning and drowning at the same time
I don’t know how to make you understand this