This is the Day I Should Have Left (Part 3 of ?)

4/20/2018 - After work, a friend I’m getting closer every day with (by bonding over our toxic relationships with our mothers) came to visit from out of state.  We met, went out to dinner, and I stayed out from 5:30 pm to 9:00 pm (sorry to our waitress)

Then after getting home, I played on my Playstation4 until about 11 pm when my ex who recently found some of my childhood books that apparently have been in the trunk of his car for the last year and a half since we broke up.  I drove over to his house, not knowing just how large the box was.  After retrieving my beloved Animorphs books, we talked.  We talked about everything, good and bad, our lives now, our lives before when we were together, and it was midnight.  He asked if I just wanted to go get coffee, he’d drive, he’d pay (I didn’t bring my purse he literally lives 20 feet from my apartment).  We went to get coffee, it was casual, it was safe, but I knew it was inappropriate.  I couldn’t help it. I’m so fed up with my current boyfriend and it doesn’t matter how many times I try to leave him he just won’t go...  I got home that night at 3 am

4/21/2018 - I had set an alarm the previous night to get up at 9 am because of a “$5 a Bag” book sale at the local library.  The alarm went off, and even though I am usually ecstatic on weekends when the boyfriend isn’t there because it means I can do whatever I want without having him checking in on me and being upset I’m not spending time with him.  But that 9 am alarm went off and I was Just So Tired.

I woke up feeling exhausted, conflicted, and overwhelmed.  Like a 25-year-old failure for sitting in this 2-bedroom apartment I can barely afford and do not need, with more debt than I can manage, in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love me or respect me enough to Just Get A Job, and I just didn’t want to get out of bed.  But I knew if I didn’t get out of bed, if I just laid there and put on Friends reruns and stayed under my soft blanket - I’d hate myself.

So, I got out of bed.  I put on a Boy Meets World T-shirt, brushed my hair, and I went to the book sale.  I had other plans that day, too.  Meeting with a friend for Bubble Tea, going thrift shopping, it was a day filled with all my favorite things.  But even as I was skimming through book spines I wanted to go home.  I was waiting for a text from my - notoriously flaky - friend saying, “So sorry, girl, but I’m so busy, I can’t do Bubble Tea today,” but it didn’t come.  Instead, I got text from my boyfriend, complaining that his friends “value the Magic Card Game more than his friendship, that he wants to just come back tonight, that he hates being away from me, that he hates being around his mom, hates his fake friends, hates everything”.

“I’m sorry :(“ I texted back because what can I say?  What can I do?  I can’t fix what’s wrong, I can’t fix how he feels, I barely got out of bed this morning.  I filled my bag, paid my $5 - the guy who accepted my cash tried to goad me into buying more books but I knew in my heart, I shouldn’t have even bought these books seeing as how I have books I bought in 2003 I still haven’t gotten around to reading...

I got in my car. It was a beautiful spring day; 60 degrees in Michigan, no rain clouds, no threat of snow, the sun was out, there was a breeze, you could keep all the car windows down.  A day like this would usually make me so happy.  But I checked my phone again, still hoping for a cancellation text. 
“Hey, girl, what time are we meeting?”  
“Is 2:00 too late?”  
“No that’s fine :)“
The clock read 11:45 am.

I texted another friend who’s in a volatile relationship and who’s kids I had found books at the sale for anyway.
“Hey, can I swing by for a few?  Just to drop off books and kill some time?” 
“Absolutely I’ll be home in 10″. 
I went, spent 2 hours talking to her, her husband, her kids, and petting her Australian Shepard.

A third friend texted, “What are you doing today?”  
“Meeting for Bubble Tea at 2″  
“Can I come?”  
“Sure!  Pick you up at 1:45″ 
This might seem insane, already I’ve socialized with 6 people in a 24 hour period of time, but this is me, this is my element, and usually I’d be so excited, but I still just want to go home, get back under my covers, order in food, and ignore the Friends reruns on Netflix.

I picked up the friend, I drove to the city where the Bubble Tea is sold, and the friend I’d been waiting on all day to cancel plans said 
“I’m running behind but I’ll be there.” 
We sat in my car for an hour, windows, down, talking about all that’s wrong in our lives so that by the time the friend I initially made these plans with showed up, I was talked out.  But I still wanted Bubble Tea, so we still went in, ordered, and talked until 5:00 pm

Flaky friend and I had planned to go thrift shopping, but now she’s going to her mom’s house after tea to go watch “The Greatest Showman”.  I don’t complain, because I expected something like this, and the other friend is with me anyhow, so we just went like we always do anyhow.  We said our goodbyes after continuing to talk outside for 30 minutes.  Then the friend I picked up and I went out to eat, went to a few stores, and I finally got to go to bed without feeling guilty - 9:00 pm. 

When I walked in the door, I remembered...the cat needs wet food today, and the rats’ cage needs cleaning which I tell myself I’ll do tomorrow, I need to go pick up my birth control, I tell myself I’ll do that tomorrow, I need to do laundry - I’m 3 weeks deep and I’m out of underwear and clean pants.  I know that if I don’t do my laundry tonight there’s a really solid chance I won’t do it tomorrow...so I start laundry.  I tell myself I’m being smart.  My apartment building has 3 washing machines and 3 dryers, if I just haul down all of my clothes I can certainly get 3 loads done in 2 hours and it’ll only be 11:00 pm and I can feel good knowing it’s done.

After I put soap and clothes in all three washers, I realize one of the washers is jammed and won’t accept quarters.  So, my single cycle plan turned into two cycles because the clothes are already soapy and down there.  I finished laundry, washed, dried, folded, and put away at was done at 1:00 am

4/22/2018 - Sunday morning, with no alarms, I wake up at 9:30 a.m.  I have a "Good morning” text from my boyfriend.  I know that if I check Facebook and the “Active” sign lights up and I don’t text him he’ll ask too many questions about why I didn’t text him when I first woke up. 
“Good morning, how’d you sleep?”  
“Like shit.  You?”  
“Ok I guess.”  
“When is your friend coming over?”  
“IDK she’s spending time with her grandma first.”  
“Oh, okay.  I guess my friends are coming.  No one said anything to me.  I’m pissed.  I don’t want them here.”  
“I’m sorry.  I just texted my friend, guess she’ll be here at 2″  
“Cool” He stopped texting for a while, which I was thankful for.  I knew I didn’t have anything I had to do until 2 pm so I didn’t get out of bed.  I didn’t even get up to pet the cat, see the rats, check their food or water, I just turned on Friends reruns and let myself fall naturally in and out of consciousness.  Around 11 pm another text came through 
“How are you baby?”  
“Fine.  You?”  
“Okay, bored.”  
“I’m sorry” I knew I had to get up, I told myself I’d clean the rats’ cage today.  It wouldn’t be fair to let it go for a 3rd week because I’m depressed and don’t want to do it.  I got up, put the rats in their play pen, changed their bedding, wiped down their cage, replaced some fleece covering the wire platforms, moved things around, fresh food, fresh water, and put them back in their home.  I cleaned the cat’s litter box, put in new litter, and gave her wet food and fresh water.  I washed my hands and decided to reward my efforts with Wendy’s, so I changed my clothes - even put on a bra, but no socks - and drove the 8 minute round trip to Wendy’s for chicken sandwiches and fruit tea.  I brought my reward back to bed.  I checked my phone, hoping my friend would be too tired to come over after seeing her grandma, too busy, too much to finish on a Sunday.  She didn’t.  So, after I ate I just laid back down in bed and waited until 1:30 pm when I did get a text.  
“Done early!  Can I be there in ten?”  
“Sure :)“
I finally got up and went to sit on the couch for the first time all day.

It was good that she came, we talked, caught up on the months it’d been since we’d seen each other.  I didn’t know how long she’d stay. When 8pm rolled around I was surprised.  I was trying to hold out until 10 pm so I could suggest going to Applebee’s for half off appetizers since I hadn’t eaten since noon.  Around 8:30 I got a call from another set of friends asking if I wanted extra company and a surprise.  I didn’t really...but my curiosity got the best of me, since the friend refused to tell me who the surprise guest(s) would be.

When they got there, with a Monster Energy I requested, I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in person since 2009.  I was so excited to see him, and his husband, and everyone else.  My apartment felt full and homey and good.  But there was still this part of me that wanted to go to bed.  But I pushed through like I’d been doing all weekend, because I was also so very excited to see this person who lives out of state who I very well may never see again.  We all talked, caught up, reminisced.  The friend who had been there since 2 stayed far later than even she had intended.  Suddenly it was midnight and of course everyone was tired and worn out and it was time to go.  The first friend stayed a little while longer, I wasn’t trying to push her out the door, but then it was 1:00 am and we both knew we’d regret being up any later.

I didn’t mention to my boyfriend a few things this weekend.  I didn’t mention my ex.  I know he’d have told me to forget the books, that seeing my ex wasn’t worth it, that I’d be disrespecting him.  Maybe he’s right, maybe that’s a fair assessment but I just didn’t care, and I didn’t want to fight about it.  I didn’t tell him my friend tagged along for Bubble Tea.  It’s harmless, but he always acts - strange - when I don’t tell him every detail of what happens when he’s not around.  I didn’t tell him 4 more people showed up at my apartment Sunday night.  For the same reason as above but also 2 of the people are in a homosexual relationship, which shouldn’t mean anything, but it does to him.  Or he’d say, gay or not, there were 2 “strange” men in my apartment when he wasn’t there.  And even more, one of those men is transgender.  He’d have so much to say.  And that on top of all his already hateful texts to me about his own true friends.  I just didn’t want to fight.  Even if it shouldn’t be a fight, it would become one and I was just so tired.

But since I was lying by omission...I had to clean the apartment.  Put away extra chairs and games pulled out for the bigger group.  Hide all evidence of there being more than one visitor that day.  Because I just didn’t want the hassle of him questioning things when he came back the next day.

I finally got to bed at 3 am.  The excitement having worn off, and just being so fucking thankful to have a nice cool bed with a nice soft blanket to get into after this weekend.  Wishing there was some way to stop 8 am from coming.