Always Searching

I don’t know anything
And I’ve never claimed to
But I’ve been trying to make words out of my emotions
Since I was a child

Listening to Top 40
Trying to write suspense novels
Laying on my sister’s bed
Reading through her high school journal
Wondering if that would somehow help
Make sense of what was going on inside me
It never helped though

Since I was a teenager
Listening to alternative
Sitting alone in front of a computer screen
Writing my suicide note on Xanga
Hoping someone would see it
They did – I got lucky

So I kept writing
Hoping someone would see it
Hopefully someone can see through it
Can make sense of my nonsense
Find beauty in my messy metaphors
Find humor in my rough rhymes
Trying my best to use pen and paper
To clear the fog out of my mind

Thinking that maybe if I wrote enough
If I wrote the words “I love you”
If I wrote the definition of love and all its forms
Maybe I could make sense of it
But I know now there is no sense in love

And I don’t know anything
I’ve never claimed to
But what I can say is
When I’m around you I feel lighter
I feel Joy
Excitement
Hope
Seen
Heard

I want to make you feel those things, too
I want to hear you speak
I want to spend time in your presence
I want to be able to just speak to you plainly
Put it all out there
Stop hiding behind facades, poems, statuses and forced messages
I just want to be able to say “I’d like to see you”
Instead of trying so hard to find something interesting enough to say to you
I guess I also feel silly
Dumb
Ignorant
Pathetic

But that’s not new
I don’t know anything
But I want to
And I want you

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